


Because It Was Expected Of Him

by FiliKiliThorinForever



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Fili!angst, Fili's got it rough, My response to the lack of Fili in the trailer, Thorin is a bit of a dick to Fili, hurt!Fili - Freeform, pre/during and post BOFA, why am I so mean to him??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 05:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2680301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiliKiliThorinForever/pseuds/FiliKiliThorinForever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the moment Fíli was born expectations and duties were placed on his shoulders, either too early or they were too much. And now, standing on the edge of the wall looking over the battlefield he can't help but think how it all came to this, that here, listening to the silence of the world before the oncoming storm is where he might die tomorrow, where he might fail Thorin as he wasn't able to do what was expected of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before I Walked Out That Door On A Journey To Reclaim A Homeland

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Finduilas88](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88/gifts), [FuryNZ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuryNZ/gifts), [cybersuzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy/gifts), [Werecakes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werecakes/gifts), [xLilarosa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLilarosa/gifts).



**A/N: Hello everyone! So when the two trailers came out for Battle of the Five Armies I almost cried at the lack of Fili in them, and how characters like Kili and Dwalin appeared more than he did. Don't get me wrong because I love them as well but HELLO? Heir of durin and next in line for the throne should be a bit more prominent... Anyway, so this is my response to the lack of him and why I think it might be, like the whole buildup during his life to during the quest and at the battle. I've been slowly hacking away at it and it's probably only going to be in three parts, pre, during and post. So seeing as I just completed this beast of a chapter I thought I'd post it now. Most of it has been proof-read several times however the last two large paragraphs only just got written, its 12:24am here in little old NZ and my eyes are stinging so I might go through and double check it for mistakes tomorrow but I really wanted to get this to you all.**

**So I've decided to dedicate this to the following people:**

**LittlestSecret : Because of her awesome recently completed fic Gúðleifir that got me through a 6 month internship and two painstaking terms at school. I am going to sorely miss that story. (and sorry no Fili/Kili here, just lots of brotherly love and Fili angst)**

**Finduilass88 : Because of your awesome stories as well that I really enjoy reading plus your awesome comments on my stories :)**

**FuryNZ : Probably one of my favourite authors on here whose stories continue to astound me and keep me on the edge of my seat, like Vacillancy O.o Lol no pressure to update :P Love that story and if you haven't read it do so!!**

**Cybersuzy : Because you are an awesome person who has stuck with me and my wild ideas and loved them everytime. <3 <3**

**Werecakes : Who writes some incredible stories that have just the right amount of mystery and confusion that keeps you guessing right the way through. If you haven't read Lost God's or the To See series do it! Three of my favourite stories by far!! :D**

**xLilarosa : My new friend on here who continuously encourages me and has given me an awesome prompt that I am so excited to start and I'll be doing it twice just to play with certain areas and because she's awesome :D**

**You guys are awesome so felt I'd dedicate some Fili feels to you all :)**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

Thorin knew from the moment Fíli was born his path in life had been decided for him. When he was presented with his nephew for the first time he held the slumbering newborn in his arms and he couldn’t help but place a gentle kiss onto the blond wisps of hair that graced his head. He knew Fíli would be the guiding light, the beacon of hope their people so desperately needed.

He would grow to be the best King their people would ever have.

Yet as he gazed down upon his tiny nephew he knew that life would not be easy for any of them. The child would never truly understand the beliefs that others would have of him, expectations and pressures he would have to protect the child from until he was of age to begin his training.

Thorin knew he would have to be careful as a lack of watchfulness on his part would see the child, his treasured nephew swept away into a world he was not yet ready for.

 

* * *

 

It was when Kíli was born that Fíli first heard the words that would follow him through his life. Under the watchful eyes of his parents and his Uncle Fíli had been allowed to settle next to his mother and hold his baby brother for the first time. He wasn’t sure what the fuss was about as he looked at the tiny thing in his arms, he couldn’t run, he couldn’t play or help him steal cookies off the table where his mama had placed them out of his reach, he couldn’t do anything.

The disappointment that he felt must have shown on his face for his mother let out a soft chuckle before placing a kiss on his forehead.

“Give it time ghivashith, he may look small now but you were the same when you were born. Give it time and soon you won’t be able to shake the little shadow he will become for wanting to be with you.”

Fíli nodded hesitantly, unsure of how it was possible but placing his trust in his mother nonetheless.

“Fíli,” Thorin said quietly, “having a little brother means that not only is it expected of you, but it is also your duty to help protect him and look after him. Kíli is as much your responsibility as he is your mother and fathers. I know you will not let any of us down.”

Fíli dropped his gaze nervously from the Uncle he had only met three days prior. When the dark-haired dwarf had walked through the door Fíli had run off to hide, unsure who the stranger was in the house and unable to cope with all the changes that were occurring in his life. Thorin had left him alone for most of his stay, only talking to Fíli occasionally when the need arose. As Fíli sat there looking down at his tiny brother in his arms he knew that he would never let his brother down, and would do whatever he could to protect him.

“Fíli?” Thorin asked again, “do you understand?”

Fíli looked at his Uncle and nodded.

_Expected_

_Duty_

_Responsibility_

He didn’t understand what they meant, but deep down he knew that it was not the last time he would hear them either.

 

* * *

 

It was when Fíli was ten that he heard those words again.

After their father died Thorin had moved with them into a new house, one that would be able to accommodate the extra dwarf as well as two growing dwarflings whose enthusiasm for life was at times too difficult to keep up with. Kíli, all of five years old and tousled brown hair was allowed to run around wild, or as fast as his little legs would carry him, and Fíli, fiery blond hair and peach fuzz on his cheeks was allowed to do the same.

Except for today.

Fíli and Kíli had been running around the living room, shrieks of laughter echoing around the house from whatever game they had made up for the day and uncaring of the destruction they left in their wake. Dís had been in the kitchen kneading some dough for the evening bread when Thorin entered the house, calling out to announce his return.

Kíli let out a squeal and raced to the front door to greet his Uncle while Fíli stayed behind in the sitting area to pack away their toys whilst his brother was distracted. After pecking a kiss to his sisters’ cheek and scooping the wiggling five year old up Thorin proceeded to the sitting room, weary from the day’s events and wanting to forget the events he had been faced with that day.

As he entered the room there was a yelp as Fíli tripped on some of the blocks on the floor and the ball that had been clutched to his chest fell from his hands straight into his Uncles path. Not wanting Thorin to hurt himself or Kíli Fíli raced after it only to have Thorin’s knee hit his chest and knock him backwards, his head connecting with the corner of the table.

There was silence in the room as Thorin and Kíli looked at Fíli in shock.

“YOU FOOLISH BOY!” Thorin roared, images of the blond human boy he had had to carry to the healers not an hour earlier after running into the path of a horse sprung unbidden into his mind. The blood and the bandages that he had seen after Oin had stabilised him were all he could picture, not the tears that were welling up in bright blue eyes in front of him.

“YOU ARE EXPECTED TO BE RESPONSIBLE! NOT RUN AROUND LIKE A SILLY CHILD!”

“Thorin!” Dís exclaimed from behind him in horror, unable to get to her eldest who scrambled from the floor and out the front door before anyone could stop him with tears streaming down his face and a heartbroken sob falling from his lips.

“Thorin how dare you?!” Dís snarled as she rounded on her brother.

“He is too old for this nonsense of running around!” Thorin snapped back, relenting slightly as Dís snatched a sobbing Kíli out of his arms.

“Might I remind you Thorin, that Fíli is ten years old! He is still a child and as such will have the freedom of one! He may be expected to be a leader in a hundred years brother, but right now YOU are expected to be his Uncle, not his King.”

Thorin’s shoulders sagged in regret as he looked at his sister who bounced her youngest on her hip, making soothing noises in an effort to calm him down before she could go and search for her other child.

“I had to rescue a human boy after he ran in front of a horse. The boy looked exactly like Fíli,” Thorin whispered, gazing over Dís’ shoulder to the front door. “All I could see when I looked at Fíli was that boy. Hearing his head connect with the table frightened me Dís, I did not mean to yell as I did.”

“Yet you did so anyway,” Dís replied sternly. “He is a young boy, as were you once. Need I remind you that you did not start training or shouldering any form of responsibility until you were forty? Next time you feel the need to yell at my son for being a boy, keep that in mind.”

 

* * *

 

Despite Dís’ words all those years ago Thorin had forced Fíli to start his training early much to her fury. At fifteen years of age he began going to his classes, studying with Balin and weapons training with Dwalin and at the mere age of twenty he began his training as heir and in the forge; beginning twenty years younger than any other dwarfling in Ered Luin.

At first Fíli assured his mother with innocent eyes and an excited smile that he was fine with it all; that he was looking forward to learning new things and training to become a warrior yet as the years rolled on the workloads began to increase, and so too did the expectations placed on the young princes shoulders.

Thorin watched as his nephew grew into his role, taking every challenge head on and overcoming every hurdle in his path. It pained him to see the once bubbly and chatty blond become sombre and quiet, only speaking when spoken to and hoarding his emotions as though they were precious gems that no one but he could view. He knew the blame lay on no one but himself; he was the one insisting Fíli take on more work, knowing he thought he was expected to carry out each task perfectly without praise or a respite from his duties. Yet Thorin could not risk going easy on him, he could not risk the chance. He refused to leave Fíli vulnerable to attack from those that believed they could use him to get to Thorin or did not view him as worthy of the title of heir.

And so the cycle of hard tasks and high expectations continued.

It was not only Thorin who noticed the change however. As Fíli grew and perfected his mask of heir to hide behind Kíli and Dís were devastated for they were forced to watch as little by little the dwarf they loved cut off his emotions from the outside world, from them, and never removed it save for in the privacy of his own room.

Kíli felt helpless as he watched his brother distance himself from him as well; no longer were there brotherly smiles or jokes and pranks pulled, instead it was a nod his way or a clap on the shoulder for doing something well. It made his blood boil watching his brother look around to ensure nobody was nearby before allowing himself to smile softly at something as simple as one of the horses in the stable. He knew the reason for it of course; the pressure his brother dealt with on a daily basis was overwhelming and distancing himself from others was the only way he could separate his mind from the too-heavy weight that had been placed upon his shoulders.

Knowing that if he didn’t put a stop to it he would lose Fíli for good Kíli confronted his mother about his withdrawing brother and to his relief found she felt the same, and together the pair confronted Thorin on an afternoon when they knew Fíli would not be back from his lessons for several hours.

“Sit down Thorin,” Dís ordered the moment he walked in the door. “The three of us need to talk.”

“What is this about?” Thorin asked with a frown, not liking the hard looks being directed at him by both his sister and his nephew.

“Fíli’s training, it needs to change” Kíli growled. “He is not the same dwarf he once was. He has become withdrawn and sombre, I no longer recognise my brother from what you are doing to him.”

“You know nothing - ”

“Do not think us fools. I want my son back Thorin!” Dís snapped, cutting her brother off immediately.

“Dís he is the heir and as such he is expected to take on extra work - ”

“He is twenty-eight!” Dís shouted, her fist slamming down on the table. “He is still a child! I know why you do this; I see it in your eyes every day. You see Frerin where Fíli stands, our foolhardy and easy going brother who we lost due to his recklessness and unrestraint. But Fíli is not him Thorin! Fíli is his own person, responsible, kind and caring, at least he was before you stole him from me.”

“He is heir - ” Thorin tried to interrupt.

“He is my son, one of the two that I can deny you if I wish!”

Thorin looked at his sister incredulously, not believing what she had just implied. “You would hand the throne to Dain? You would let our cousin take the throne should I fall?”

“If that is what it took!” Dís snapped. Her shoulders sagged and she took a deep breath in order to calm herself. Placing her hand over her brothers she looked him in the eye and spoke softly, trying to get him to see reason.

“Thorin, I am not saying he cannot train, but he is a child, he is my son. I want the smiling, laughing, carefree and loving son back, not this emotionless corpse you have replaced him with. I want the son who wanted just one more story, that sat by the fire with his brother cuddled up to him, not the dwarf who sits silently through meals and leaves for his room immediately after to sleep. The town will want a king who is fair and kind hearted and smiles because he is happy to love his people, yet the way he is now no villager will want him. I need my son, Thorin, and Kíli needs his brother. Please fix this, before it’s too late.”

Thorin looked from his sister to his youngest nephew who had tears in his eyes before letting out a sigh. “Aye,” he said quietly. “I will do what I can.”

And fix things Thorin did. Thorin and Dís both sat Fíli down that night after sending Kíli to bed to stop him from interfering and spoke to him about everything. About him pulling away, about him taking on too much for such a young age, and most importantly how Thorin was going to give Fíli two weeks off before easing him back into his studies but with a smaller load until he reached forty.

And slowly, oh so slowly did the smiling, mischievous dwarf who enjoyed laughing with his brother and causing mayhem even more come forth once again.

 

* * *

 

When Fíli was seventy two, just ten years before he found himself on the doorstep of a hobbit hole in the shire, Thorin left Ered Luin for several weeks to discuss trade with nearby settlements. He had taken Kíli with him and left Fíli in charge of their village, claiming it would be good training for the both of them. Fíli knew the reason however; regardless of all of Fíli’s hard work and training that he had put in to be the best heir Thorin could have Thorin had shown that he favoured Kíli out of the two. He wasn’t too bothered by this; he knew everyone loved Kíli so it was only right Thorin would too, and it was only right that Thorin would go easier and would be more loving when it came to his wild younger brother.

Yet this trip should have been something Fíli was taken along on, not Kíli. After all Fíli had yet to see how trade deals worked or have the chance to show that he was the heir Thorin had trained him to be. Instead he had been instructed to run the town as Thorin would, deal with any disputes that came up as well as keeping up with his forge, training and schooling duties.

He loved the forge as it was the one place where he knew he was regarded as just another dwarf; a hard worker who was given no special treatment due to his status and was expected to fulfil orders that came through to the highest standard like everybody else. So when a group of thirty Rohirrim soldiers rode into Ered Luin two weeks after Thorin left and placed an order for swords to arm one hundred men Fíli and the other blacksmiths threw themselves at their tasks with vigour, knowing the money the swords would bring would greatly benefit the town.

But as fate is wont to do, their good fortune did not last. All the dwarves had been hard at work for a week in an effort to complete the order only for them to come in on the day that they were due to hand their newly crafted weapons over and find that the forge had be picked clean. Not a single sword remained and after much shouting and arguing they quickly discovered that the wanderer they had hired on a month prior was missing and it was simple to figure out who their thief was.

The blacksmiths agreed to keep the burglary quiet and Fíli sent out some guards in an effort to track the criminal down. After speaking to Thengel, the prince and captain of the Rohirrim to explain what had occurred the dwarves from the forge attacked their work with fury, desperate to complete the order in the four days before the soldiers were due to leave which meant not one of them left their work for the comfort of their own beds.

With the week Fíli had spent in the forge when the order had been first placed his other duties had been pushed to the side. When Dís learnt of the commission she insisted that she would take care of the running of the town as she had every other time Thorin was away in order for him to complete his work, however one thing she had not cleared up was the lessons Fíli had missed due to his work believing that his teachers would understand that the work took priority, not realising Thorin had instructed Balin and Dwalin to report to him should Fíli fail to turn up.

Two days after the robbery occurred Balin and Dwalin burst into the forge, annoyance radiating from their bodies at the disrespect the blond and future heir had shown to his studies, not knowing that the blond dwarf they spotted by the anvil beating a blade into shape was close to collapsing from exhaustion after working for almost two days straight as he refused to take a break.

Drained and with his whole body aching Fíli let out a yelp of surprise when Dwalin grabbed his arm and spun him around just after he had plunged the hot blade into the water.

“Care to explain your absence boy?” Dwalin growled at the blond, ignoring the bags under the blue eyes and the grime-covered skin.

“A week of lessons you have skipped Fíli,” Balin tutted in disappointment. “And you have left your mother to carry out the tasks Thorin assigned to you. I expected better of you.”

There it was again, Fíli thought angrily; expected. No understanding or a chance to explain just his Uncles advisor and his friend telling him he should be doing better than what he was, that he should be taking on the pressures of the town as well as the forge.

He wrenched his arm from Dwalin’s grasp and glared at the dwarves before him. “My lessons can wait Balin” he snapped. “However the money the town will make from this order cannot. We were robbed two nights ago of the one hundred swords the Rohirrim soldiers commissioned and I will not let that money leave this town if I can help it. We have received no word from the guards I sent out two days ago to find the miscreant so we have had to start again. Now I suggest you either make yourselves useful or get out this forge and track that criminal down.”

The brothers looked at each other, regret in their eyes for jumping to conclusions so quickly and ignoring the fatigue that Fíli was so clearly suffering from. After getting a description of the dwarf they were looking for and assuring their prince they would do what they could to get the stolen swords back Balin and Dwalin hurried from the forge to the home they shared, collecting their own weapons before saddling the ponies and riding from the town with haste.

To their utter relief when they stopped by a small village in the early evening they heard rumours of a recent arrival selling excellent quality swords off the back of a cart on the opposite end of town. After hunting around the brothers spotted the dwarf in question trying to sell off his wares and approached him with their weapons raised, informing all those who watched that the weapons they had brought had been stolen and that by law any being who carried out a crime against the line of Durin or the settlements under its protection would be executed.

After the act had been done Dwalin secured the wagon and the money the vagabond had made from the couple of swords he had sold whilst Balin sent a raven back to Ered Luin to inform Fíli that the criminal had been put to justice, the weapons were secured and that they would set out for home early the next morning and would arrive later the next day.

 

* * *

 

Unbeknownst to Fíli, Balin or Dwalin Thorin and Kíli arrived early that evening, weary from their travels and tired from the lengthy discussions. After a hearty dinner and Kíli telling Dís of their travels whilst Thorin sat waiting for his heir the sun set and the moon made her presence known before he asked Dís where Fíli was, wanting to talk to him before turning in for the night.

Whilst Fíli and the others packed up the forge after receiving word from Balin about the reclaiming of the missing weapons, and Balin and Dwalin secured the blades before turning in for the night Kíli and Thorin opened the front door to their home, calling out tiredly to Dís as they kicked off their boots and dropped their packs on the ground.

“Kíli? Thorin?” Dís asked in amazement as the pair fell into chairs at the kitchen table, both stretching sore muscles after travelling for so long.

“Hi mama,” Kíli said with a tired grin, dragging himself out of his seat to place a soft kiss on her cheek and helping her bring the food to the table.

Dís gave her son a strong hug, quickly drawing back with a wrinkled nose. “You smell like a wet dog ghivashith,” she scolded lightly “I would tell you to take a bath before eating but I imagine you are both rather hungry.”

Kíli pouted at her teasing but let out a grateful moan when the smell of stew hit his nose. He all but fell into his chair and dug in, a blissful smile appearing on his face as the explosion of flavour hit his tongue, however that was quickly replaced with a frown when Dís sat down with an apple in her hand.

“Where’s your stew mama?” He asked as he peered at the pot behind her.

“What have I told you about talking with your mouth full?” Dís chastised lightly, rolling her eyes at her youngest sons grin. “I was not expecting either of you tonight Kíli, so I only made enough stew for Fíli and myself. No matter, I have some chicken, bread and a few vegetables left over from last night so I’m sure we can make do. In fact,” she turned to face her brother “why are you home so early? And at this time of the night as well, normally you make camp just before the sun sets rather than continuing on.”

“One would think you did not want us here sister,” Thorin said teasingly before chuckling as Dís rolled her eyes.

“We were able to cut several days off our journey as we happened to meet one of the leaders of a settlement in one of the other towns, and we were only a few hours out when the sun began to set so Kíli insisted we continue on so we could sleep in soft beds tonight rather than harsh ground.”

“And I want to show Fíli the pelt I got a few days after we left; a beautiful deer that was.” Kíli said proudly.

“Speaking of Fíli,” Thorin said looking around “where is he?”

“Working,” Dís said with a sigh. She didn’t want to tell Thorin what had occurred whilst he’d been away, that was Fíli’s job and the way he dealt with it was something he should be proud of, especially after he felt that Thorin had just left him here for no reason. “How about you both go and wash up, get out of those clothes and into something clean.” Both dwarves nodded and once their stew was finished they stood up slowly, groaning as their muscles protested the movements before heading off to the washing chambers.

“Oh and Kíli?” Dís called. She waited until he turned around before continuing on. “Put your clothes in the basket. I swear to Mahal if I find your grubby tunic tossed on the floor you’ll be doing everyone’s washing for a week.”

Kíli gave her a sheepish grin and hurried to his room as Dís cleared the table and moved on to preparing a hearty meal of leftovers for herself and her blond son. She hoped he’d be home soon as just before Kíli and Thorin had arrived she had received word from one of the smiths that the swords had been recovered and Fíli was going to inform prince Thengel of the good news before collecting the food she had asked him to pick up from Bombur’s on his way home.

Several hours passed before Fíli finally arrived home; not only was he one of the last ones to leave the forge as he had to secure the swords they had, but he had spent some time talking to prince Thengel explaining that all the swords would be delivered tomorrow as promised as soon as Balin and Dwalin returned only to be stopped on his way to Bombur’s as a fire had broken out in one of the horse stables from a dropped lantern and he had had to call for help before trying to get the horses out and put out the fire.

By the time he opened the front door, several bags of bread, meat and preserves in his hands Thorin and Kíli were washed and in clean clothes and were seated at the table and in the process of telling Dís about their trip. Thorin, Dís could tell, was tired and irritated with the way some of the talks had gone as people were demanding too much of a town that could barely afford to feed itself let alone others, and the expectations people were heaping on him was getting to be too much.

She let out a relieved smile when the front door opened and she hurried to greet her son.

“Mama?” Fíli called out quietly, the exhaustion clear in his voice and his arms about ready to drop the bags that were already dangling precariously from his fingers. He looked up and smiled when his mother appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, a smile on her own face at finally seeing him home.

“Hello my love,” she said softly as he moved towards her, bring those in here and watch out for -”

A startled gasp tore from Fíli’s lips as he stumbled and crashed to the floor after tripping on his brothers boots that were laying in the middle of the floor, the poor lighting and his sleep-heavy eyes not noticing them in front of him. The cracking of glass told him that at least one of the preserves had shattered and he couldn’t help but kneel on the ground in shock, his sleep-deprived mind struggling to catch up with what just occurred.

The scraping of chairs was the only indication Kíli and Thorin had joined them and the pair of them looked down on Fíli in shock.

“YOU FOOLISH BOY!” Thorin roared, misreading the exhaustion in Fíli’s eyes as drunkenness in his own tired mind. “YOUR MOTHER HAS WAITED UP FOR YOU ONLY FOR YOU TO RETURN DRUNK AND UNABLE TO STAND LET ALONE WALK STRAIGHT!” He looked down at the blond dwarf in disgust, satisfied to see Fíli’s head bowed in regret, not realised Fíli was hiding tears of fatigue and embarrassment.

“Thorin!” Dís and Kíli yelled angrily, only to have Thorin cut them off.

“I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU!” Thorin yelled “YOU SHAME ME AS HEIR. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.”

He watched as Fíli scrambled to his feet and hurried as quickly as he could to his chambers, nodding in satisfaction as the door slammed shut only to have pain erupt across the side of his face from where Dís suddenly slapped him.

Thorin and Kíli looked at her in shock and she glared back at her brother.

“How dare you” She growled at her brother. “How dare you. You had no right to speak to him that way - ”

“He arrived -”

“You best hold your tongue Thorin Oakenshield. You may be King to our people but this is my home and as such I hold superiority here!” Dís snapped. “This is the first time in two days Fíli has been home, the forge was robbed of a commission for one hundred swords for the Rohirrim two nights ago. They had been working hard for a week only to find the forge wiped clean, and because the prince was due to leave day after tomorrow they worked around the clock in order to make them again until someone could locate the original stock. Thankfully Fíli received word that Balin and Dwalin had located them this evening. My son was not drunk but exhausted, and you took it out on him without stopping to listen to me!”

Dís shook her head angrily at her brother and stepped in front of him as he went to move down the hall.

“Please Dís,” Thorin said in a pained voice, “I need to -”

“You will go nowhere near him until I say you can” Dís hissed. “So here is what is going to happen. The pair of you are going to take those bags into the kitchen and put away the food and salvage what you can, there’s plenty of other jars if need be whilst I take some water to Fíli as I doubt he’s in any state to eat anything. Afterwards we are all going to bed, and Kíli leave your brother alone. He’s in no state to see you tonight. Now get on with it the pair of you.”

Thorin and Kíli nodded meekly before doing as Dís had asked as she moved to the kitchen to pour some chilled water into a cup for her son before heading to his room. When she arrived she placed her ear against the door to see if there was any noise coming from inside but was met with silence. Taking a deep breath she pushed the door open quietly and slipped into the room, ready to face whatever emotion Fíli would display, however her heart broke at the sight of her son.

It looked as though Fíli had passed out the moment he saw his bed as he was fully dressed, boots still on and he was lying sideways on the mattress. She shut the door before moving across the room and placing the cup of water on the nightstand before gently shaking her son awake. It took several attempts before he finally stirred and another few minutes before she could coax him into a sitting position in order to give him some water. After a few mouthfuls his eyes began to droop once more and Dís pulled him to his feet to help him strip down to his small clothes so he’d be much more comfortable. As Fíli managed to toe off his boots Dís was pulling his blankets back when she noticed Fíli’s stuffed lion from his childhood on his bed; a place it was only brought to when he was in need of comfort.

Her heart ached as she watched her son crawl into bed and curl up with the lion clutched to his chest as he dropped off to sleep immediately. She tucked him in, smoothing the sooty blond hair that smelled slightly of charcoal back from his face and pressed a kiss to his brow.

“I love you ghivashith,” she whispered into the quiet room “I am so proud of the dwarf you have become and I hope you never think otherwise.”


	2. I Grew Up On Tales Of Adventure, But My Own Adventure Turned Out To Be Quite Different

**A/N: Hello everyone! So this story I had actually hoped to have had finished before BOFA came out as this was meant to be a 'what I think will happen' sort of story. Surprise! That didn't happen! -.- However it's still going the way I intended it (thank Mahal for the notes I made for myself otherwise it would have been greatly influenced by the movie). Would you believe me when I said this was actually meant to be only the first half of the chapter? Yeah at almost 7k words (and haven't even written the other half) I decided to split the chapter here: originally it was meant to be before the quest, during the quest and getting into the mountain then the battle and everything after. So looks like everything I had planned for in the mountain will be the next chapter. Oh well.**

**I apologize if it seems like it drags out a bit, I wanted to focus on certain key areas of the movies and books and add bits and pieces people may not have picked up whilst watching (I've watched the first two over a dozen times and I tend to look for things I hadn't noticed in previous viewings so I've picked up some interesting things :D). However the stuff with Laketown was what I was kind of hoping would occur in the movie, sadly it did not but that's just wishful thinking on my part.**

**Anyway enjoy!**

**Special shout out to[MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Xr_ox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Xr_ox), [fkuz](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fkuz), [neige](http://archiveofourown.org/users/neige), [pandorasxbox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasxbox), [Werecakes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Werecakes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Ringriel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ringriel), [shoujo_goddess](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shoujo_goddess), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [LittlestSecret](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlestSecret), [pickwicklingpapers](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pickwicklingpapers), and [xNamikaze](http://archiveofourown.org/users/xNamikaze) as well as the 14 guests who've commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

  

Fíli had avoided his Uncle for the first week of his return for fear of being scolded once more, not knowing that the only thought on Thorin’s mind each time they crossed paths was to reach out and apologise for the harsh words he had lain upon his nephews overburdened shoulders. However as the days slipped by so too did the urgency to apologise, after all, would Fíli really find much meaning and sincerity in an apology a week later? Thorin doubted it and knew it was better to leave the past where it belonged, especially when his nephew began talking to him once again.

All Thorin could hope was that somewhere deep down Fíli knew how important he was to him, how he, along with his mother and brother were the most precious treasures Thorin possessed.

 

* * *

 

Days turned into weeks, the weeks slipped into months and the months faded into years in the mere blink of an eye. It was ten years later when Fíli, eighty-two and barely past his coming of age, found himself side by side with his brother on a Halflings doorstep in the Shire to wait for their Uncle whose dream of reclaiming a homeland was quickly becoming reality.

It was a fool’s quest, their mother had said, but if it was the quest that got her and their Uncle to smile again after returning to their home Fíli knew he would trade all the gold in Erebor to see it happen.

Before they left their home in the Blue Mountains Dís had pulled her eldest son aside whilst Kíli followed Thorin to pester him for more information about the area they would all be meeting in in several weeks’ time.

_“Fíli my sweet,” Dís murmured softly “I want you to promise me something.”_

_Fíli took her hand in his and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of it as he looked her in the eyes. “Anything mama” he swore quietly._

_“I want you to look out for your brother whilst you are gone. If I had my way neither of you would be leaving this house but as Thorin continuously reminds me you are his heir, and as such you are expected to join him on such a quest. And where one of you goes the other will follow, I know this, and yet it was with a fool’s heart that I hoped your brother would choose to stay behind. He’s reckless that boy, he is likely to be too caught up looking ahead that he will forget to look behind.” Dís looked sadly in the direction where they could here Thorin telling Kíli in exasperation everything he had already told them about the land of the Halfling’s._

_“I would tie him up and leave him here if I knew it would be the only thing to keep him safe, but just as I know he would find a way out and would follow us into the very heart of Erebor I also know he would never forgive me for leaving him behind.” Fíli wrapped his mother in a hug, letting out a small sigh as she pressed a kiss to his brow before he continued on. “He is my little brother mama, my shadow and I will never allow anything to happen to him. I will protect him with every fibre of my being,” he swore to her “no matter the cost.”_

_Dís grabbed his shoulders and looked him sternly in the eye, forcing her voice to stay calm and not break as it threatened to do. “As long as that cost is not you! I know your duty will lie with your uncle and your brother and you will do what you can to keep them alive, but I want my lion home just as badly, don’t you ever forget that.”_

Looking back on the promise he’d made to his mother all that time ago he realised that the task he had set for himself was going to be harder than he thought. Already both he and Kíli had nearly drowned after one of their ponies bolted for no reason, dragging the pair of them behind her which after they had been rescued resulted in Thorin yelling at both of them for endangering themselves, they ended up stuck in sacks and at the mercy of three trolls before Bilbo managed to get them out and just the day before they had found themselves running for their lives from an Orc pack that had tracked them down.

Truly, he had made a promise that seemed to be getting harder to keep by the day.

 

* * *

 

It was wishful thinking that an Orc pack, trolls or a bolting pony would be the worst of their problems on their quest, yet never before had Fíli been as terrified as he was right in this moment as he watched the stone beneath his feet shift and crumble until a chasm formed between him and his brother, dragging him away from the safety of the mountain as the cry of his name died on Kíli’s lips.

As the rock giant moved Fíli threw himself backwards as he lost his balance, grateful for the hand that Bofur had placed on his arm to haul him closer to ensure he didn’t tumble off the side. He let out a gasp as a thunderous crash echoed around the valley and the head of the stone giant they were clinging to slammed into the mountain above his brother and uncle.

He felt his heart catch in his throat as the leg they were standing on flew past the other half of their company, the helpless few that where huddled on the ledge watching them with terror unable to do anything but watch and pray their companions and loved ones did not meet their end that night. He had but a moment to look at his brother and his uncle, both of whom were staring at them in horror before Fíli’s vision was filled with rock as they went slamming into the mountain.

The freezing rain pounding steadily on his head and dripping down his neck told Fíli that he was very much alive, as did the groans of pain and shock from his companions. As he muttered a quiet thanks to Mahal for sparing them all a cry of Thorin’s voice had him rolling over.

_“No! Kíli!”_

Fíli felt his heart sink. Had his uncle not been looking at all of them as they went past? Had his uncle been so focused on looking for his youngest nephew that he failed to notice that it was him who almost died? He turned his head towards the part of the cliff he knew was hiding his brother and uncle and watched as Thorin appeared around the corner and felt disappointment flood through his system when Thorin locked eyes with him, who was relieved that it was blue he was looking into and not brown.

He watched as Thorin moved towards him with a thankful smile on his face and couldn’t help but fix his Uncle with a steady look that barely hid the hurt in his heart. As he often did, he would deal with the pain and fear alone.

 

* * *

 

“No!

Thorin felt his heart stop as he watched the stone giant crash into the mountainside, his bubbly nephew and half of his companions disappearing around the corner. He watched as the giant fell backwards, its empty leg reappearing making him fear the worst for his companions.

“No! Kíli!”

His legs carried him forwards despite wanting to collapse and mourn the loss of his beloved nephew who had been crushed before his very –

The grief rolled off his shoulders and a sigh escaped his lips as he laid eyes on his companions, all groaning from being thrown harshly onto rock but very much alive. His piercing blue eyes swept over the group, searching for his youngest nephew knowing Fíli would undoubtedly be beside himself with fear when the dwarf in the middle caught his attention making him reel in shock. It wasn’t Kíli that had been trapped on the giant,

It was Fíli.

Thorin fought back the cry that threatened to break loose when he realised it was his golden haired nephew that he had nearly lost, a nephew that he loved dearly

A nephew he wished he could call son.

He watched as Fíli rolled over and looked at him and he couldn’t help but give the blond a relieved smile, showing him how glad he was that he was ok. He took a step forward just as the expression on Fíli’s face changed; what had first been a look of being slightly shaken was quickly covered by a mask of indifference before Fíli turned his back to push himself slowly to his feet.

He closed his eyes, knowing the reason for the mask on his nephews face as well as he knew his own name; he was hurt. There was no way Fíli could have missed Thorins cry for their youngest family member and was obvious that Fíli believed him to be uncaring for his safety.

He looked down and to his surprise found that his hand was outstretched to his nephew, as though his heart had told him to grab him and hold him close for the scare Fíli had almost given him. He curled his fingers into a fist and let it fall to his side, trying to ignore the pain in his heart before cries for the missing hobbit drew his attention away from the one person he needed to show that he cared.

 

* * *

 

Once he was on his feet Fíli began rearranging some of the blades that were pushing uncomfortably into his side. He glanced over his shoulder in alarm when Ori’s cries for Thorin to be careful drew his attention and he watched with baited breath as Thorin climbed down the side to hoist their burglar back onto the ledge, his body jerking automatically to help Bombur anchor Dwalin when Thorin slipped and his weapons master grabbed his hand to stop their leader from falling to his death.

When he was sure his uncle wasn’t going to disappear he turned his back on the scene and clasped hands with Bombur in an effort to help him stand. He ignored his uncle’s comments of the burglar not belonging as he believed his Uncle to be wrong; had he not already shown his worth with the trolls? The hobbit was a good addition to their company, Thorin just needed to open his eyes and see that.

He got Bombur to his feet just after Thorin walked past him, calling out for his shield brother to help him secure the cave they had found themselves in front of. Clapping their cook on the shoulder Fíli was about to step into the dry when a solid weight collided with his shoulder and he let out a grunt of surprise as he regained his footing.

The blue hood and chestnut hair that obscured his vision told him immediately who had latched themselves onto him and Fíli managed to turn himself enough so that he could hold Kíli against his chest, his arms coming up to hold his little brother to him tightly when he felt his body shake with silent sobs.

“Fíli Fíli Fíli” Kíli kept chanting in his ear almost desperately, his voice hitching every so often as he tried to calm his racing heart.

“Shh Kee,” Fíli soothed, pressing their foreheads together as he held a hand against the back of his brothers head. “Let’s get inside; it would do no one any good if you were to fall sick now.”

Kíli gave his brother a nod and followed him quietly into the cave, his fingers unable to let go of the tanned leather in front of him. Fíli led him to a little hollow near the entrance and dropped his pack to the ground, gently encouraging his brother to free his jacket to remove his own.

Once their bags and weapons had been placed on the ground and their sleeping mats had been placed side by side the brothers lay down facing one another, Kíli’s hands creeping up to grasp his brothers jacket once more as though he feared he might disappear the moment he let go.

“I was so scared Fee,” Kíli admitted, his voice barely a whisper that was lost in the wind. “I watched you disappear from my sight and I have never felt so hopeless, so terrified like I did in that moment.”

Fíli brushed his brothers’ bangs out of his eyes and pressed a kiss to his brow. “I will never leave you Kee, not if I can help it. Your stuck with me I’m afraid, such is your bad luck.”

Kíli couldn’t help but snort, the moment broken between them. Before he could speak Fíli placed a hand against his heart, and he imagined the warmth from his brothers’ hand spreading across his chest despite the numerous layers of clothing.

“I will always be with you Kíli, even in here” Fíli said softly. “Now sleep nûlukhel, whilst we still can.”

 

* * *

 

Fíli believed the stone giants were the worst thing that he could experience whilst on this quest, however he soon began to realise that what he thought was awaiting them and what was actually out there in the world were two very different things.

And the reality was so much worse than he could have ever imagined.

Fearing his uncle would die when they were captured by the Goblin King Fíli breathed a sigh of relief when Gandalf appeared in an explosion of light allowing them to escape, only to watch in horror as his Uncle charged down the pale Orc and ending up in the jaws of its horrific beast. He barely remembered charging down the centre of the tree, Kíli and Dwalin on his heels with only one goal in mind; protect his uncle.

On the Carrock he watched in dread as Thorin lay still as death, the face that held soft smiles for him and his brother now slack and cold. He had but a moment to fear he had failed in protecting his uncle when Gandalf crouched beside him and passed a hand over his face, and in the blink of an eye Thorin was standing up and telling Bilbo how wrong he had been to judge him.

Standing there looking over Erebor Fíli couldn’t help but agree with Bilbo; surely the worst was behind them.

 

* * *

 

Fíli decided that if he never set foot in Mirkwood again it would be too soon. Truly, it was a forest that reeked of illness and decay, a forest where unnatural creatures festered in the dark and every step further in made him feel like he was walking with his head underwater. The smells and noises closed in around him making him dizzy and weak, Bombur’s weight on one of his shoulders was threatening to snap the bone in half and on top of it all the mutterings of his companions that they had lost the path and the sun were beginning to overwhelm him.

Everything got worse when the spiders appeared.

He had never been more horrified in his life when he came face to face with these monsters of the forest, not even when his mother caught him and Kíli doing a drunken run through the town on a dare in only the skin in which they had been born, and were forced to listen to a telling off so fierce Smaug himself would be terrified whilst standing in ankle deep snow trying to preserve the tatters of their dignity. 

And what had made his heart stop was the fact that his little brother, whom he had sworn to protect at any cost, had been separated from him. Fíli had been ready to take on every elven soldier there if it meant getting his brother back, but no sooner had Kíli yelled for help than they were reunited when Kíli was pushed to his side by a she-elf.

The company was forced to stand there as they were searched, and he couldn't help but find it amusing that the elf that was searching him was growing more annoyed with every weapon he removed. He mourned the loss of his weapons, weapons that both Thorin and Kíli had forged for him for his name-days or that his mother had bought for him, weapons he knew he would probably never see again, yet he couldn’t help the smirk that appeared every time his captor found another blade.

 

* * *

 

The first time he began to think that they might never reach the mountain was when they were thrown into cells in the Elven Kings dungeon. He hoped that it would be considered a misunderstanding and that they’d be freed quickly, but as he listened to Thorin tell Balin what the conditions for their release were he felt like banging his head against the bars on his door. Truly, the line of Durin was known for being stubborn but Thorin was the worst of them all. He had passed up the opportunity for freedom and for what? The sake of some petty jewels?

He was grateful when Bilbo arrived with the keys, as being stuck in a cell on your own with minimal food and being forced to listen to nothing but your thoughts or your brother exchanging pretty words with the she-elf who saved him was beginning to irritate him. He owed her for saving Kíli, he knew he did regardless of whether she would view it as a debt or not but he just wished she would leave them be as this attraction Kíli seemed to be forming would not end well one way or another.

He couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when his cell door swung open and he scrambled out of his prison, checking Kíli was free before he focused on ensuring his companions were silent whilst they followed Bilbo to the cellars.

The possibility of losing his brother had never crossed his mind when he signed up for the quest, nor when he and Kíli had set out to the Shire. Fíli knew that he would do whatever it took to protect his little brother yet he had never expected to be forced to watch Kíli jump out of his barrel to pull the lever to the gates blocking their passage and stumble as an arrow embedded itself in his leg.

“Kíli!” He cried, desperately trying to find a way to his brother when the she-elf arrived and distracted the Orcs long enough for Kíli to escape. Kíli dropped into his barrel and before Fíli could reach out to him they were swept out the gate and down the river, his focus quickly drawn away from his brother and to the Orcs that attacked them.

 

* * *

 

Laketown was not the first town of Men Fíli had been to, having been made to travel to many of them over the years for trade purposes yet he hoped that it would be the last he would have to be in for some time. It was a miserable place; houses were squashed together, every other person they slipped past had an illness of some kind, everything was damp and the smell of fish filled the air. He was eager to leave, to leave this cheerless place behind him for good yet they were unable to straight away. The Bargeman who had given them passage into the town and refuge in his home refused to let them to leave immediately, telling them spies were not only watching his house but every dock and wharf in the town.

He looked around his companions, taking in the glum and bored expressions of them all and the look that he could not quite place that seemed to settle over Thorin every time he looked out the window. He couldn’t help but wonder how torturous it must feel to see the object of ones desires for so many years so close yet just out of reach.

And Kíli. He couldn’t help that his gaze lingered longer on his brother than it did any of the others. Despite Kíli’s assurance that he was fine he had watched his brothers’ skin slowly become an ashen colour, and he never missed how he winced in pain every time his leg shifted or the near inaudible gasps of pain every time he knocked it by accident.

Fíli just wanted them to get out of there.

And soon.

 

* * *

 

“Fíli don’t be a fool, you belong with the company.”

“I belong with my brother.”

Never before had he defied his uncle on something as important this, yet the moment the words fell from his lips he knew he had never spoken truer words than them.

_It is your duty to protect and look after your younger brother._

_It is your responsibility._

Although he could not remember everything his uncle had told him the first time he laid eyes on Kíli, those three small words were ones he knew were embedded in his very being.

_Duty_

_Protect_

_Responsibility_

Thorin may have been his King, and he may have sworn an oath to his uncle both as a member of the company and as his heir, but Fíli knew Thorin would always be second to his brother, no matter what.

He met his uncles’ glare with his own before moving towards his brother, grateful for Oin’s insistence he stay behind to look after him. With his back to Thorin he missed the pain that flashed through his uncles’ eyes and the slight movement of his hand jolting towards him, as though Thorin wanted to grab him; as though he were afraid that if he let Fíli go now everything would be forever changed.

_I cannot risk the fate of this quest for the sake of one dwarf, not even my own kin_

He didn’t grab him.

Instead a hardness settled in Thorin’s eyes and heart and he stepped into the boat that had been supplied to them. As they pushed away from the docks he refused to look back; back behind him where innocence, loyalty, love and two willing hearts beat with his blood, instead only caring to look at what was in his future.

What was right in front of him

The only thing that truly mattered.

 

* * *

 

The tales and songs of dragons fell utterly short of what was before them. Smaug was even more incredible, more _terrifying_ than he could have possibly believed.

And he was here.

As Fíli helped Bofur carry an unconscious Kíli onto Bards boat with the she-elf close behind he realised with a sickening clarity just what Smaugs presence meant. Yes Laketown would burn, yes people and quite possibly themselves were going to die, but if Smaug was here laying waste to this town of Men then that meant Thorin had failed, that the entire company had failed.

That everyone might be dead.

The moment he had Kíli on the boat and secured enough so he wouldn’t fall out at the slightest knock he leapt out and grabbed Bards son by the arm.

“Bain, the black arrow, where did you hide it?” He asked hurriedly. The young boy looked at him blankly for a moment before another bark of his name and a shake had him focusing.

“It’s not too far from here,” Bain said as his eyes darted around, trying to find the statue of the Master the arrow was hidden near.

“Show me!”

“Fíli!” Bofur cried as he watched his prince and the human boy run off “where are you going?!”

“Just start getting to safety!” Fíli yelled over his shoulder “We will catch up with you I swear! Tauriel get them out of here!”

The elf looked hesitant for a moment but if she had wanted to follow them she was too late, the pair had disappeared from sight and the way was blocked by blazing buildings that collapsed behind them. She looked at her charges; two girls, both too young to be witness to something so devastating and three dwarves, one unconscious and oblivious to everything happening around him and two trying to row them to safety as well as keep an eye out for their missing kin.

Tauriel knew that whatever the blond dwarf had planned he needed to return soon; the town was burning down around them and the air was filled with smoke making it difficult to breathe. And to make matters worse Smaug was still alive and the moment the town sank he would turn his attention on the survivors.

If the dwarf and child wanted to escape with the rest of them they would have to hurry.

 

* * *

 

“Where is it Bain?!” Fíli choked out, the smoke surrounding them becoming so thick it was difficult to see or breathe.

“Here!”

Fíli watched as Bain leapt into an untouched boat and pulled the arrow free from the netting before climbing out, relief on both their faces that they had been able to find the one thing they needed to destroy the beast amongst the ruin.

“Alright Bain come on!”

Fíli turned on his heel and ran, dodging in between falling beams and burning rubble as they made their way to where they had last seen their kin. To his relief the boat was easy to spot, Tauriel towering above the other occupants and the pair broke out in a sprint, yelling at the top of their lungs in the hope she might hear them above the screams of the people and the roars of the dragon.

It wasn’t Tauriel that spotted them but Bofur; the old dwarf turning to look behind him for his missing prince when he spotted the pair charging down the wharf as quickly as they could.

“Oin! Stop the boat!” He yelled, his arms working furiously as he backpaddled in an attempt to stop the raft.

As Bain and Fíli neared the raft Fíli slowed down, Bain stumbling to a stop behind him.

“Why’d you stop?!” The young boy yelled as he locked eyes with his sisters.

“Give me the arrow!” Fíli yelled, already snatching it from his hands and pushing Bain towards the raft. “Now get on board and get them to safety, guide all the survivors to Dale, it will be the only safe place for you all.”

“Fíli come on!” Oin yelled, watching nervously for the dragon that was just beginning to turn around.

“Go!”

“Where are you going?!” Bain yelled, his feet already carrying him to safety as Fíli’s carried him back into the town.

“To free your father!”

And with that Fíli was gone.

 

* * *

 

To his surprise he found the jail easily, and to what may have been mere luck his path was not blocked. Although there had been plenty of damage most of it was from larger beams which were all currently resting on each other above him, some burning and others balanced precariously it was a wonder they had not collapsed completely.

He spotted a man’s hands at a barred window and hurried up the stairs; the black arrow clutched tightly in one hand and a sword he had found on the wharf in the other.

“Bard!” Fíli cried as he made his way to the door. “Bard are you alright?”

“You?” Bard gasped in shock as he took in the dishevelled and soot covered dwarf. “What are you doing here?”

“Someone has to kill that dragon,” Fíli replied, a smirk appearing on his face despite the seriousness of the situation. He handed the human the arrow between the bars and grabbed the keys he spotted hanging on the wall a little further down. The moment Bard was free the pair of them ran towards the armoury, Bard guiding the blond dwarf around all the rubble before they both dashed inside.

“What do we do now?” Bard asked as he armed himself with a long bow and quiver of arrows as well as a couple of blades. “I need to get to the windlance but I’ll stand no chance should Smaug spot me.”

Fíli looked away from the bargeman as he sheathed daggers in his vambraces, biting his lip as he tried to come up with a plan that would give the man time to put the arrow to the lance. Smaug would need to stop, even momentarily and his focus would need to be elsewhere.

“Distraction,” Fíli whispered before his gaze snapped up to his companion. “If you are to get to that windlance without being seen he needs a distraction, and that distraction is me.”

If his mother had heard the words he had just uttered Fíli knew she would have strung him up by his ears for even thinking of doing something so dangerous yet he knew it had to be done. If Smaug had killed the entirety of the company in the mountain then not only did that make him one of the four remaining members, but it also made him the King under the mountain, and that title brought with it a responsibility to the people of Laketown and would also be enough to get the dragon’s attention.

Bard looked as though he wanted to argue but when Fíli stressed to him they had no choice and were running out of time he backed down.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Bard growled to the blond before hurrying to the windlance.

“You and me both,” Fíli muttered.

 

* * *

 

Fíli had no clue as to how the tower housing the windlance was still standing; it was as though Smaug had deliberately left it untouched as a way of taunting the survivors every time he passed over it. What was equally as surprising was the fact that a tower opposite it, which was identical in height was also standing. And it was this tower that Fíli made his way to. He sprinted up the stairs leading to the roof, praying that Bard would be there ready to shoot the arrow the moment he captured the dragons attention and that Smaug wouldn’t decide that the two towers were no longer required to be upright and would barrel into them on his next pass.

Climbing the ladder to the top of the tower Fíli hauled himself up and looked around for Bard, spotting him on his left and he watched as Smaug made his way across the town before adjusting his position so Bard and the black arrow were behind him hidden from view.

“SMAUG!” Fíli roared over the screams of the dying and injured. “YOU WORTHLESS WORM!”

A growl like rolling thunder echoed in the air as Smaug turned mid-flight and landed on the houses at the furthest end of the town, his teeth gleaming in the blazing fires around him as his lips drew back in a snarl.

“Who are you?” Smaug hissed, moving forwards fluidly like a snake and Fíli watched him come closer with horrified fascination.

There was no time for distractions now, Fíli remembered and shaking himself free of the emotions that were threatening to overcome him as he watched his death creep closer he shot the dragon a smirk before drawing himself up to his full height.

“I am Fíli, son of Dís, daughter of Thrain, heir to the throne of Erebor.” His voice rang clearly through the night, as though all other sounds had been erased as the world held its breath;

Waiting

Watching

“Oakenshield’s heir,” Smaug hissed in amusement. “It will grieve you to know then that your precious leader is dead. Your friends are dead. I hunted them down one by one and burnt the flesh from their bones as they screamed for their lives.”

Years of training allowed Fíli to school his features and keep the smirk on his face despite the fear, the terror that what the dragon said was true. There would be no way of knowing until they reached the mountain, and if they did and Smaug was in fact telling the truth then there would be only charred remains of the people he loved.

He reminded himself that the truth or lie of Smaug’s statement was not important right now; what mattered was the overall goal, he just hoped Bard was ready else this would end quickly.

“If what you say is true you miserable snake then that makes me King under the mountain. And as King I order you to leave the people of Laketown alone.”

“KING UNDER THE MOUNTAIN?!” Smaug roared “I AM THE KING UNDER THE MOUNTAIN, AND YOU SHALL JOIN ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS AND THOSE HERE IN A FIREY DEATH. NO ONE CAN STOP ME.”

With that Smaug launched himself at Fíli, his jaws wide open as he prepared to engulf the dwarf in flames when Fíli dropped to the deck revealing Bard who glared at the dragon before firing the arrow, embedding it in the patch of skin below the left wing where a scale sat a lifetime ago.

There was an almighty scream of pain when it hit, and before Fíli or Bard had the chance to move the dying dragon ploughed into both structures, sending them toppling into the burning remains of the town below.

 

* * *

 

Kíli watched his brother in terror as he faced down the dragon, insulting the beast and laying claim to the throne. He had woken to find Fíli missing; the usual warm presence at his side cold and empty instead. He had nearly tipped the boat in his desperate attempt to climb out and go searching for his brother after being told what had occurred when the voice that he had known since birth rang out through the town.

Tilda spotted them first, her scream for her father drawing Kíli’s attention and he looked to see the bowman perched on top of a tower, hands targeting the windlance and the lone black arrow in place, ready to bring down the beast should it find its mark.

And there, just ahead of him on another tower was Fíli.

From where they were in the boat Kíli could only see the side of his brother, outlined by the flames that blazed close by and the heat rising made his form waver, as though he was no longer a dwarf but an ethereal being made of flames; made of the fire of Durin’s line.

The occupants of the boat watched the exchange between dwarf and dragon in fear, and the moment the arrow was freed from the lance and found purchase in the dragon a chorus of cheers erupted from the boat. The cries of joy quickly turned to cries of terror as they watched Smaug collide with their loved ones who disappeared in the flames and wood, Kíli’s voice screaming for his brother drowned out by Bards children as they cried for their father.

“Bofur! Oin!” Kíli screeched, turning to look at the pair with wild eyes the moment the dragon laid unmoving in the ruins of the town. “Turn the boat around! We have to find them!”

“Kíli…” Tauriel started only to be cut off by a desperate snap of denial.

“NO! Their father is alive, my brother is alive. I know it in my heart now take us to where they last were or I will search for them myself!”

Bofur and Oin looked at each other before directing the boat towards where the towers had stood seconds before. When they could go no further they aimed the boat at one of the wharves that were still supporting several houses and Tauriel leapt out of the boat and onto the platform to secure it the moment they were close enough before assisting her companions in climbing out.

The moment Kíli’s feet were on the wood Bofur wrapped an arm around his waist to help steady him before the group set out for the remains of the towers, their voices ringing out in the silence that had settled over the town.

“DA!”

“FÍLI! FÍLI WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“FÍLI! BARD!”

Kíli’s hands grasped at his hair as he surveyed his surroundings, terror and grief threatening to tear his heart to pieces. Bain had led them to where the towers had previously stood, but now all that remained was broken wood and trails of fire. Bodies of villagers that had been unable to dodge the falling debris lay about the dock or floating in the water and with each body Kíli saw his hope for finding his brother alive diminished.

A groan had Kíli’s attention snapping in Bain’s direction and he watched as the boy hurried over, pushing beams off the person who was moving.

“Da?” The simple gasp slipped from Bain’s lips as a head of dark hair raised itself from the rubble; a pained groan from the voice Bain would recognise anywhere.

“DA!” The boy rushed forwards, feet slipping on the loose wood as he threw himself at his father, screams from his siblings of their fathers name echoing as they hurried forwards to embrace him.

Kíli turned and kicked the pile of rubble beside him in panic, the bargeman was alive and moving yet he had no sign, no idea as to where his brother might be. If Fíli was alive he would answered by now, he had never left Kíli in the dark as to his whereabouts or abandoned his brother but every cry of his name, every plea for him to respond went unanswered.

He kicked the pile again and again, ignoring the bolts of pain that raced through his leg and the calls from both Oin and Tauriel to stop as he could reopen the wound when a large portion of the wood slid away to reveal a hand. Kíli stopped and stared at the hand; a hand that was too small to belong to a man, unless it belonged to a child which Kíli prayed it did not for children should never have been exposed to the death and destruction that Laketown had seen that night. As he studied the hand the thought that he’d seen it before, that it was actually familiar had him dropping to his knees with a wince before he started pulling away the planks of wood to dig the body out.

The blond hair had him pausing for but a moment before he began working furiously, screaming for Oin whilst calling for his brother that lay before him.

“OIN! I FOUND HIM! Fíli wake up please wake up! Do not leave me here alone brother please! OIN!”

Oin, Bofur and Tauriel hurried to Kíli’s side, all three working with him to dig out the prince and none of them noticed Bard or his family moving closer, watching with worry as the blond remained unresponsive.

Kíli’s breath caught in his throat as he looked down on his brother. Fíli’s loose tunic had a gaping tear in the back through which a deep gash could be seen oozing with blood, as though a nail in a plank had sliced open his back. He watched with baited breath as Oin placed a hand in front of his brothers mouth only to let out a sigh of relief when Oin smiled and announced that his brother still drew breath.

“He is still in bad shape laddie,” the healer informed him solemnly as he pulled the clothing back a bit more in order to inspect the wound where muscle could clearly be seen. “He has lost a lot of blood and there is a risk it could get infected if we leave it untreated.”

Kíli turned to Tauriel who was inspecting Bard for injury. “Tauriel, can you…” He trailed off as he waved a hand at his brothers back.

“Of course,” she said with a small smile, moving over and crouching down beside them before scooping some of the water from the freezing lake into her hands and washing away the blood. When Fíli’s back was more skin than blood Tauriel placed her hands over the gash, the elvish chant she had used to help Kíli rolling off her tongue and helping the worst of the injury knit itself back together.

The gasp of pain was like music to Kíli’s ears as he placed a hand against his brothers’ shoulder whilst the other stroked over his hair as he murmured for him to lie still.

“It’s ok Fee, it’s ok.”

“Kíli?” Fíli’s pained whisper was barely heard by those around him.

“Aye Fíli, it’s me. I’m not going anywhere.”


	3. I Would Have Followed You To The Death, But You Are No Longer The Dwarf I Once Knew

**A/N: Hello again my lovelies! So I finally got this completed about an hour ago, had to proof read and do a couple of other things first before I could publish it but here it is. I apologise for the delay, I wanted to get it out a few days ago and I thought I'd have it finished because most of it wrote itself, but then when I went through and read it I realised I'd missed a couple of important areas, even though we know how it happens thanks to the book and movies they needed to be addressed here, so I had to try and get those pieces written.**

**I'm not 100% how I feel about the very last part, I'm happy with it in the fact I don't think I could have done it any other way, but at the same time I feel as though it might be kinda clunky, like it doesn't flow as well as everything else so I might look at fixing it at some point. Highly unlikely though. I'm not sure but if you have thoughts on it I'd love to hear them, and thoughts on the chapter in general :D**

**Also, despite how it may come across it is not a durincest fic, there is no relationship between the pair just major brotherly feels. The pair trust each other with their life and would do anything for the other. If you're confused by my need to clarify you'll see why a bit further on :)**

**Oh and totally no regrets for the LOTR quotes used in here. I've been listening to Two Towers and FOTR on my Ipod as I clean the kitchen at the lodge I live at of a night time so they may or may not have influenced certain parts of this and the next chapter...**

**Special shout out to[EllaBella88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaBella88), [Mika-chan (mikarin)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mikarin), [SpyderzW3b](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SpyderzW3b), [secondlastk](http://archiveofourown.org/users/secondlastk), [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Xr_ox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Xr_ox), [fkuz](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fkuz), [neige](http://archiveofourown.org/users/neige), [pandorasxbox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasxbox), [Werecakes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Werecakes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Ringriel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ringriel), [shoujo_goddess](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shoujo_goddess), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [LittlestSecret](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlestSecret), [pickwicklingpapers](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pickwicklingpapers), and [xNamikaze](http://archiveofourown.org/users/xNamikaze) as well as the 23 guests who've commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

Fíli stood at the top of the stairs and watched as Kíli hurried towards their uncle, a smile gracing the normally gruff features as his nephew approached him.

“Uncle!” Kíli’s relieved voice echoed through the large stone caverns and the only reminder that he had still been injured not a day before was the slight limp as he moved.

Thorin grasped his nephew’s arms before looking him up and down checking him over for other injuries. The last time he'd seen him Kíli had been pale and sickly, barely able to support himself or put any weight on his leg yet here he was, still slightly ashen yet a warmth in the chocolate brown eyes he had feared he might never see again. Satisfied that Kíli was well he cupped the back of his head and pressed their brows together, both taking comfort that the other was alive after facing the dragon.

**_It is your fault they were in danger_ **

**_Forget them, the gold is more important_ **

**_Find the Arkenstone_ **

Thorin pulled away abruptly and took a deep breath. The voices in his mind that had made themselves known the moment they set foot in Laketown had yet to cease; it was as though someone was murmuring in his ear endlessly and only on rare occasions did they leave him be. He gave Kíli a warm smile, allowing his fingers to run down the brunet hair once as a soothing gesture before pulling away completely.

“It is good to see you well nephew.”

“And you Uncle,” Kíli responded before stepping forward and embracing his Uncle in a hug. He would never admit it but when Smaug bragged that he had slaughtered the dwarves in the mountain Kíli had been terrified, his mind struggling to come to terms with the thought that he would never see his Uncle or friends again.

Thorin pressed a kiss to Kíli’s forehead before withdrawing once more. He turned, his eyes searching for his eldest nephew and when he spotted him a sense of relief flooded his system. He went to step forward, moving to embrace the blond when the malicious voice returned.

**_You abandoned them_ **

**_He does not trust you_ **

**_He is disappointed you did not die_ **

Despite wanting to assure himself that both his nephews were there and uninjured he found himself giving the blond a nod, just a small tilt of the head as his eyes assessed his nephews face looking for proof that the voice was lying.

It hurt to do so, to look to see if Fíli was still loyal to him but it hurt even more to see the nod returned without a flicker of emotion, as though it was all he expected from Thorin. But whilst Fíli’s face remained neutral his eyes hardened slightly and Thorin couldn’t help the tightening of his own as though they were sizing each other up now that nothing stood in the way of the crown. He didn’t know what Fíli could see as his eyes roved his face, yet he wondered if perhaps he knew of the voices in his head; the voices that called for gold and had driven him away from their sides when Kíli was injured and they needed him most.

 _No_ , Thorin told himself half-heartedly, _Fíli is loyal to me; He swore allegiance to me._

**_You are no longer King in his eyes_ **

Thorin gritted his teeth, trying to block out the voices in his mind but the more they talked the more he listened, and despite desperately trying to ignore what they were telling him the small cut of betrayal had been made and was left to fester and grow in his mind.

**_He will take the crown from you_ **

Thorin bowed his head, trying to stop the voice from getting a firm grip on him for if it did he knew he would be lost. Just as he thought he had managed to push it to the farthest recess of his mind Kíli’s comment brought it back like a wave crashing on rocks.

“We feared the worst when the dragon attacked as he claimed to have killed you all! But Fíli stood up to him, told the dragon that if you were all dead then that made him King and he ordered that snake to leave.”

A dark look passed over Thorin’s face and the change was so sudden it had Kíli, who had moved into his line of sight once more stepping back in surprise. Thorin looked at his heir again, the flicker of warmth that had been in his eyes moments before replaced with a barely concealed fury Fíli had not seen in a long time.

“Is this true, nephew?” He asked slowly, his voice rumbling like thunder in a valley of mountains.

Fíli looked at his uncle from his place on the stairs, fighting down the urge to swallow and hide from the look that was directed at him. He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, looking at his Uncle as though he were standing beside him and not towering over him due to his place on the stairs.

“I only did the duty required of me my King. I fulfilled my role as heir to attract the dragons attention to give us time to kill it, nothing more.”

The firmness of Fíli’s tone as he responded had Thorin glaring at his eldest, the voice whispering sweet words of malice and betrayal in his ears.

**_Already he works to supplant you_ **

**_He claims a title he is not worthy of_ **

**_You are the King_ **

“And that best be all you did,” Thorin hissed up at the blond. “Know your place sister-son. You are not the King, I am.”

With that Thorin turned on his heel and stormed away from the gate to the treasury leaving a group of stunned dwarves in his wake.

“FIND THE ARKENSTONE!” He bellowed over his shoulder before he disappeared from sight.

 

* * *

 

Over the next two days had Fíli watched from afar as Thorin began to change. No longer was he the gruff, stern and occasionally kind hearted uncle he had known all his life; instead a harsh, angry and unloving shell of a dwarf took his place. The deep yet calming voice was lost to the relentless mutterings as Thorin picked his way through the piles of gold in search of the Arkenstone and the eyes that once burned bright with love for his brother and rare flashes for him were filled with ice.

It had come then, as both a shock and relief when Bard, Thranduil and Gandalf marched to their doorstep and revealed that the Arkenstone was in their possession because of Bilbo. The stone was out of the mountain and in the hands of those that Fíli hoped would be able to talk sense into his Uncle. But after roars of betrayal and Bilbo nearly being thrown from the parapet it was clear that there would be no reasoning with him and that Thorin was willing to risk all of them to obtain his coveted gem once more.

Dain’s arrival shortly after Bilbo had joined Gandalf’s side had started off as a celebration for Thorin only to turn to exclamations of treason. The Iron Hills Lord paid heed to Gandalfs’ warnings over the ravings of his cousin and left with the small group to discuss what to do when the Orcs arrived the next morning, all of them determined to save as many lives possible and all grudges temporarily forgotten.

 

* * *

 

It was early evening and Fíli was sitting on the parapet, his back against the stone and enjoying the last touches of sun for the day as he watched as braziers in Dale were slowly lit for the evening. He couldn’t help but wonder if Bilbo had found somewhere safe to stay for the night; after all being cast out by Thorin would have undoubtedly shaken the gentle Halfling and hopefully Gandalf or Bard were taking care of him and had at least provided him with a warm meal if nothing else.

He was caught up in wondering if there was a warm meal also awaiting him when Kíli joined him. He kept his gaze on the ruins but could feel his brothers’ eyes on him, as though he were unsure of his welcome and debating whether to stay or go.

“You know,” Fíli said after a moment of silence “you could ask whether I desire the company rather than trying to read my mind. You might get your answer quicker.”

“Do you?” Kíli asked, his voice unusually quiet for his normally excitable temperament.

“When have I never wanted your company Kee?” Fíli replied quietly, finally looking at his brother with a soft smile.

Kíli’s shoulders sagged in relief and he seated himself next to his brother, his head falling onto an all too familiar shoulder and he relaxed completely when Fíli lifted his arm and hugged him to his side. The pair sat there quietly enjoying the warmth the other brought them. Much had changed since they had arrived and finding quiet moments for themselves had become a rarity.

“How is your back?” Kíli asked softly, his forehead pressed up against his brothers throat and he allowed his own arm to circle his brothers waist for comfort; the fear of thinking his brother dead had yet to leave him and it was the cause of the nightmares that had plagued him since arriving at the mountain.

Fíli took a deep breath, huffing from his nose as he thought and his own arm tightened around his brother unconsciously.

“It is not the worst injury I have dealt with Kee, granted it can pull something awful if I move too quickly but it will be fine with time.”

“Fee, Tauriel told me she could see bits of bone when she was cleaning your wound, it was no mere scratch and she had no time to heal it completely as you insisted on getting to Erebor. My leg still aches and I was only struck by an arrow, I was not sliced open like you.”

“Your arrow was dipped in poison remember” Fíli reminded him.

Kíli pulled back enough to glare at his brother, not missing how he refused to meet his gaze. “She had to try and knit your back together brother; that is not something to be brushed off lightly.”

Fíli sighed and tightened his arm around his brother pulling him back to his side as he dropped a kiss on his forehead.

“It will be fine Kee, promise.” He whispered into the brunet locks before resting his cheek there.

It had been awhile since they had been able to spend time together, just the two of them. Between fleeing for their lives and dealing with the company Fíli had missed the closeness he used to share with his brother, the love and faith the younger one had for him making him feel as though he had some worth in the world.

As though he mattered.

The pair sat silently for a long while, enjoying the comfort of the other and watching the outlines of refugees moving amongst Dale’s ruins when Kíli broke the silence again.

“What has happened to Thorin Fee?” He asked in a quiet and uncertain voice. “Why is he acting the way he is?”

“It is a sickness.” Fíli said softly, his heart clenching in pain at the memory of his uncle’s hateful glare.

Kíli pulled away from his brother and looked at him in alarm. “Sickness? What kind of sickness?”

“A sickness of the mind,” Fíli whispered. “A sickness of obsession.”

“What do you mean?”

Fíli turned to face his brother, sadness on his face as he looked at the younger dwarf who had been sheltered from the truth by the stories they had been told as they grew up.

“When I began my training as heir,” Fíli began “Balin told me about the day the dragon came, _everything_ about the day the dragon came. It seems the tales we grew up on were altered facts to make it less… dark. Before Smaug came Thror became obsessed with the gold, locking himself away in the vaults and doing whatever he could to add to his hoard. His family, his duties… everything lost importance to him except for the treasure. Balin calls it gold sickness; where the gold is all that you can think about. It was the gold that drew Smaug in, and it is the gold that draws Thorin in.”

He sighed sadly at the look of horror on Kíli’s face and ran a hand through his hair, tugging on a braid as he thought. “I fear Thorin is losing himself to the sickness if he has not lost himself already. War is coming, Gandalf said it himself yet we hide within our walls, content with Thorin’s decision to let others fight a battle for this mountain.”

“We are not cowards,” Kíli insisted quietly “nor should we hide like ones. This is our fight as much as it is the Men or Elves. We owe it to the others to stand and fight.”

“Agreed,” Fíli said quietly. “He called for aid to defend us against Bard and Thranduil yet Dain’s army will end up fighting this war against the orcs should it come to pass.” He got to his feet pulling Kíli with him and placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder, looking into his eyes as he spoke his next words carefully.

“If war is to come I will fight to my last breath. Will you stand with me brother?”

Kíli pressed his forehead against Fíli’s, his fingers lightly brushing against the braids he helped put in that very morning. “You are my brother, my captain, my King,” he whispered. “I will stand beside you to whatever end.”

“To whatever end.”

 

* * *

 

Fíli stood beside his brother on the inside of the wall as they listened to Thorin in his gold-mad state rant about moving the treasure to a new hall, one that they could fortify to stop foul creatures from tunnelling up and taking what they wished. Thorin refused to listen to any of them who told him that Erebor was safe, or in Dwalin’s case that they should stand and fight, not hide away and let others do their duty.

“Thorin! War is coming to Erebor, and as much as I hate to say it we must work with the Elves, Men and Dain if we wish to survive this.”

**_They will take the gold from us if we help them_ **

“Let them die!” Thorin bellowed, his face clouded with fury as he looked at his companions.

“Since when do we forsake our own people?! You called Dain to aid us!” Dwalin growled back “And now you leave him to be slaughtered on our doorstep like a dog?”

“Many die in war, life is cheap.” Thorin scoffed “but a treasure such as this cannot be counted in lives lost. It is worth all the blood we can spend.”

Kíli let out a growl and rushed forwards, fury on his face as he moved to confront the maddened king.

“You sicken me Thorin, how can you place gold above your own kin?!” Kíli roared, struggling against the arm Dwalin had thrown in front of him to stop him from getting any closer to Thorin. “I will not hide as others fight our battles for us!”

Thorin stalked towards his youngest nephew, eyes wild and pure hatred on the once loving face and he raised his hand to strike the brunet across the cheek.

Only his arm was caught mid-air before he was shoved backwards.

Fíli stood in front of Kíli and Dwalin and glared at his uncle. “You are lost Thorin!” He hissed. “The uncle I know would never put gold above his blood; would do anything to protect the ones he loves but here you stand, a lesser king than you have ever been.” He shook his head, looking at his uncle in disgust. He straightened his shoulders and despite the anger that was boiling beneath the surface Fíli looked at his uncle sadly.

“Bilbo was right; you cannot see what you have become.”

**_Insolent dog_ **

**_He thinks he is better than you_ **

**_He thinks he deserves the gold more than you_ **

Thorin glared at Fíli and moved closer until he towered over the blond, the anger rolling off him in waves as he snarled at him.

“I have never been more disgusted by a dwarf in my life than I am with you Fíli,” Thorin spat, Fíli’s name flying off his tongue as though it was a vile taste in his mouth.

“You are not worthy of being my heir, all you have ever done is fail me. I should never have named you my successor, and I am ashamed to call you my sister-son.”

**_He has always worked for your approval_ **

**_He has always failed_ **

“You disappoint me.”

Silence rung through the hall and Fíli kept his back straight and a neutral look on his face, ignoring the dozen eyes on him and the hollow feeling in his chest as though Thorin had physically gutted him. He knew it was the sickness talking, he knew Thorin was not in his right mind yet everything that had come out of his mouth fed the flames of his self-doubt for his worth to his family.

When he was certain he could speak without his voice wavering he drew himself up to his full height and spoke in a low yet calm and steady voice.

“There is only one disappointment in this company Thorin, and it is not me.”

And with that Fíli turned on his heel and left the hall and the deafening silence in his wake.

 

* * *

 

That night, the night before they charged blindly into battle Fíli snuck into the chambers that Balin had said would belong to him when he was officially titled crown prince. With a lantern swinging from one hand and his other pushing the door open Fíli slipped into the room silently knowing that his companions slept close by. They had all gone to find him after his confrontation with Thorin and despite his protests that he was fine the others had been reluctant to leave his side for too long.

Especially Kíli.

Fíli had had to wait for his brother to fall asleep beside him before getting the chance to slip away quietly; Kíli had refused to let his brother leave his sight due to both the nightmares that had plagued him since Laketown and fear Thorin would try and seek vengeance on the blond whilst they slept.

With what Fíli had planned he needed privacy to complete his task, away from prying eyes or curious questions for what he was about to do would show everyone that the mask he had spent his whole life perfecting and hiding behind was exactly that,

A mask.

He closed the door as much as he was able before finding a spot on the floor to settle down. He placed the lantern down and pulled a piece of parchment as well as ink and a quill out from his tunic, his hands smoothing over the piece he had obtained from Ori distractedly as he thought about what he needed to write, knowing they might be his final words.

As he thought about what he wanted to say he found that despite the jumbled emotions inside of him the words came easily, and in order not to lose them to the darkness he quickly began writing.

 

_Thorin,_

_We go into battle tomorrow and I know in my heart that it is a battle I will not come back from. It is a battle that I will lay down my life in order to protect you and Kíli for that is what is expected of me, for it is my duty._

_All my life duty has always been more important to you where I have been concerned. I wonder if you could have loved me like you do Kíli. The love you hold for him is clear, he is your nephew, your pride and joy and the one who reminds you of happiness and love in dark times._

_What did I ever do to lose your love I wonder? What did I do to convince you that I was unworthy? Whatever it was know that I am truly sorry. If I die tomorrow I hope that you find it in your heart to be proud of me Uncle. I go to die hoping that to be true._

_Everything I have ever done has been for you._

_Fíli_

 

Satisfied no more could be written Fíli pulled out a second piece of parchment and quickly wrote on it, writing without thinking for he knew exactly what needed to be said. Once the second note was complete he tucked both into a pocket in his coat as he stood and crept back to his brother before he was missed. If he died they would find the letters and give them to the right people, and if he survived he should have time to destroy them before anyone found them.

After all, why shatter a mask that he’d spent years perfecting?

 

* * *

 

_Blood_

_Screaming_

_Agony_

_Where are they?_

_You swore to protect them!_

**_They are all that matters_ **

All his life Fíli had trained for war, had trained to fight yet he had never been prepared for the exhaustion or terror that would accompany it. Thorin had regained some of his senses and had led them out into the fray, Khuzdul war cries on his lips and a murderous look in his eyes for every Orc that crossed his path.

Despite his best efforts Fíli found himself fighting for his life alone after having been separated from Kíli and Thorin. He needed to find them, it was the only thought on his mind for how could he protect the ones he loved like he had promised his mother all those months ago if he were not by their side?

He found his blades tangled with an Orc whilst another tried to attack him from behind when a flash of red appeared beside him and Tauriel took out one whilst his blade hacked through the neck of the other. He stood back to back with the elf, all differences forgotten as they fought to survive this hopeless battle and prayed that her height might give her an advantage in spotting his missing kin.

No sooner had his question left his lips than her hand grasped his shoulder and spun him to face north, her blade decapitating an oncoming Orc before she pointed ahead of them.

“There! On the hill over there! Your brother and Uncle are engaged with Azog and Bolg!”

The horror in the elf’s voice had Fíli leaping onto the back of a nearby Orc and as he drove one of his many knives through its skull he looked to where she had been pointing and sure enough there they both were; standing back to back and struggling to defend themselves.

“We must help them!” Fíli roared over the din, leaping off the dead Orc’s back and racing towards his family, a brief glance over his shoulder showing that Tauriel was right behind him.

How a blade touched neither of them as they made their way to the hill Fíli did not know; it was as though both of them were like water amongst rocks, flowing easily between the enemy without pause. It was as they got close to the base of the small hill and the fighting bodies thinned out that Fíli saw Azog’s club connect with his Uncles chest, sending him flying whilst Bolg’s connected with Kíli’s head a second later sending him down in a pile of limbs.

“NO!” Fíli and Tauriel’s voices screamed in unison.

As they sprinted up the hill they watched as a group of elves and dwarves charged at the Orcs, distracting them from the fallen warriors.

“Tauriel!” Fíli yelled to the elf urgently as he watched the group who had come to the defence of his kin fall one by one. “Grab Kíli and get him out of here! Get him to safety!”

“I will not leave you!”

“Tauriel you must get him out of here! He must survive this! Please!”

Tauriel looked between the Orcs who were quickly killing off the group who had come to Kíli and Thorin’s rescue to the blond-haired dwarf seeing the desperation in his eyes. She was losing precious time; the chance to get Kíli to safety quickly evaporating for every second of her indecision. Knowing her choice was likely to be one she’d regret for the rest of her life she scooped Kíli into her arms and raced away, her parting words to his brother hanging in the air.

“STAY ALIVE FÍLI!”

Fíli spun his blades as he twirled to face Azog and Bolg, both who were making their way towards him with feral grins on their mutilated faces, and he answered with an identical one on his own.

“You will never hurt my family again.”

 

* * *

 

Blinding pain erupted in his chest as he was sent flying and his head cracked painfully on the ground as he landed. Thorin let out a cry of pain as he fought for breath, determined to get back up to destroy the foul beasts once and for all.

He turned his head in time and watched in horror as Bolg’s club collided with Kíli’s head; his young carefree and loving Kíli who had blindly followed him to the hill after losing sight of his brother and who was desperate to end the war so that he may find him again.

A group of dwarves and elves hurrying to defend him caught his eye and he knew that they would fail; he knew that Azog would slaughter every last one of them in a bid to end the line of Durin once and for all.

He needed to get up, he needed to destroy this scum and survive to right the wrongs that needed fixing so badly. He needed to make it through this so that he could beg Fíli for forgiveness and spend the rest of his life earning back the trust he had so violently destroyed. Just thinking of his nephew brought an ache so fierce to his chest; his golden, bright, fierce Fíli whom he had broken with his harsh words, the sickness that had possessed him gone, bringing with it a horrifying clarity as to what he had done to his nephew.

It was a losing battle however; between the blood loss, pain and fatigue his mind was quickly slipping towards unconsciousness and the sight of Azog fighting his way towards him was to be his last when a cry from a familiar voice had him turning his head in shock.

It was Fíli, his cherished nephew standing with an elf beside his brother, yelling at her to get Kíli to safety as he took in the battle around him. With the blood quickly beginning to pound in his ears it was difficult to hear what passed between them yet he couldn’t help the sigh of relief when Kíli was scooped up and the elf ran from Azog and Bolg and away from certain death.

He lay there, praying for his nephew to either come closer so that he may beg forgiveness or to run; to save himself yet Fíli did neither. As he lost his grip on consciousness his last view was of Fíli as he whirled on Azog and Bolg, twirling his blades out of habit as he snarled at his foes and despite knowing he would never hear him a single word slipped from the King under the Mountains lips for the final time that day.

_“Fíli.”_


	4. At The End Of All Things Your Journey Doesn't End Here, So Plant Your Trees And Watch Them Grow

**A/N: Hello everyone! Well. Here it is. All 9,600+ words of it. This was by far the hardest chapter I have ever had to write due to the story following the movies and books so closely, and trying to find a good way of doing it was ridiculous. I knew what I wanted but writing it... phew, a whole different ball game. I can't say much about it only that you may need tissues! I felt myself tearing up at the end as I was writing the damn thing so hopefully you'll be in the same or at the least a similar boat to me.**

**Anyway, I look forward to hearing what you have to say about this :D I'll now be making a start on my dragons AU which I've had planned out since August, as well as a certain prompt for a certain wonderful person who loves the Fili whump as much as I do :D You know who you are and I'm excited to start on it!!! (I've been saying that for a while I know but this story has been kicking my ass! O.o)**

**Hanging out on[Tumblr!](http://www.filikilithorinforever.tumblr.com/)**

**And a special special shout out to these amazing people[kapowa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kapowa), [mattressesflollop](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mattressesflollop), [Reiya](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Reiya), [Liaskye](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Liaskye), [AtmosphericDisruption](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AtmosphericDisruption), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [toriovi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/toriovi), [mjeanuniverse](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mjeanuniverse), [RavensSinger](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RavensSinger), [FuryNZ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FuryNZ), [jx437](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jx437), [EllaBella88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaBella88), [Mika-chan (mikarin)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mikarin), [SpyderzW3b](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SpyderzW3b), [secondlastk](http://archiveofourown.org/users/secondlastk), [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Xr_ox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Xr_ox), [fkuz](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fkuz), [neige](http://archiveofourown.org/users/neige), [pandorasxbox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasxbox), [Werecakes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Werecakes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Ringriel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ringriel), [shoujo_goddess](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shoujo_goddess), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [LittlestSecret](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlestSecret), [pickwicklingpapers](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pickwicklingpapers), and [xNamikaze](http://archiveofourown.org/users/xNamikaze) as well as the 31 guests who've left kudos and comments, you guys are awesome!**

**And an extra special shout out to Vanessa whose enthusiasm for this story knows no bounds and she has without realising it been kicking my ass to get this done. It's finally complete my dear, hope you enjoy it :D**

****As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien** **

 

* * *

 

 

**_“There is only one disappointment in this company, Thorin, and it is not me.”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“Many die in war, life is cheap”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“You sicken me Thorin”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“All you have ever done is fail me”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“Here you stand, a lesser king than you have ever been”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“You are not worthy of being my heir”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“Would do anything to protect the ones he loves”_ **

…

**_“I am ashamed to call you my sister-son”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“You disappoint me.”_ **

****

****

**_“Bilbo was right; you cannot see what you have become”_ **

 

* * *

 

Waking up was one of the most painful things he had ever done.

As he slowly began to regain consciousness the first thought to cross his mind was why had he been spared death when waking brought with it a pain like he had never felt before? He was trapped in a war-torn body unable to move; even the slightest twitch of a finger had his nerves bursting into flame and the shift of a limb made every bone feel like it had been shattered.

He was desperate to escape this prison his body had become, to be able to flee the darkness that surrounded him on either side. Snatches of conversation drifted through his mind, but what was memory and what was real was too hard to tell when the inky blackness of a void was around him trying to swallow him whole.

**_Many die in war, life is cheap_ **

_“Ha- yo- -ound him ye-?”_

**_You are not worthy of being my heir_ **

_No, ev-ne -at ca- be spar- is look- no-, but Bal-, we -ve no ide- -ere to -art searc-._

**_There is only one disappointment_ **

_Do -at yo- -an Do-, ask ever- -ou see. -ill no- -andon hi- -f he is inju-_

As the pounding of blood in his ears faded slowly the noises surrounding him became clearer, the conversation between the two dwarves in the tent becoming understandable the more he focused.

“I shall tell the others to ask around. Surely someone saw him at some stage during the battle. Perhaps the elf that brought Kíli here might know where to look.”

“Then find her. I care nothing for the squabbles between our two races right now, I just want him home. Keep me apprised Dori.”

“Right you are.”

As the tent flap settled back into place silence descended once again, save for the soft footsteps that scuffed the floor as someone moved. Knowing that he would get no answers to the outcome of the battle like this he turned his head in the direction of the soft murmurs that hung in the air only to let out a gasp as bolts of pain surged down his back.

His gasps quickly gained the attention of his companion and he cracked his eyes open, squinting as they adjusted to the light in the tent. As his vision began to clear Balin’s blurry face appeared, a smile tugging at the dwarf’s lips as he saw his patient was indeed awakening.

“Dwalin!” Balin called quietly as he hurried to the tent flap. “Send for Oin, he has finally woken.”

Dwalin stuck his head into the tent as Balin made his way back towards the cots and shot the prone dwarf a weary smile. “It is good to see you awake laddie, you had us worried there.” He said gently before hurrying off in search of their healer.

For a battle that should still be going on it was oddly quiet, the soft clinking of jars and pots as Balin prepared an herbal tea to combat the pain and the muffled shouts and cries that echoed around the campsite were the only sounds that he could make out clearly; no screams of sudden pain, no clangs of swords on armour, clashes of blades or the roars as two foes met, just an eerie silence.

“What happened?” The words slipped from his lips in little more than a croak as Balin sat beside him, helping him sit up slightly and tipping the warm tea into his mouth in small portions to ensure it was all consumed.

“The battle is won and we have reclaimed the mountain. Peace exists between us, Dale and Mirkwood, at least for the time being whilst they tend to their wounded and dead. You were badly injured which is why seeing you awake does my heart good.”

“How bad?”

“Well according to Oin and Gandalf you have four broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder; you took a sword to the side, had two arrows in your stomach and have plenty of scrapes, cuts and bruises. Now you need to lie down, you lost a lot of blood and you were lucky to be brought to us before you were beyond our help.”

Balin helped him to lie back completely before a whine of pain drew his attention to the opposite side of the tent where, nestled amongst the blankets and swathed in bandages was Kíli.

“Kíli,” he breathed in relief. “How is he?”

Balin followed his gaze to the youngest Durin and smiled sadly at the sight of the usually excitable brunet still as death whilst he recovered.

“Much the same as you, only with less severe injuries; a broken arm and wrist, a few deep gashes, it appears he took another arrow to the leg at some point, he has four broken ribs and a concussion that will give him a horrendous headache when he wakes, but he is healing well which is more than we could have asked for. Now sleep, you need to regain your strength.”

A brief nod was followed by the closing of his weary eyes as he tried to find sleep once more. Yet frustratingly it did not come; instead blurs of colour, jumbled and overlapping voices and the memory of overwhelming smells filled his mind like a wind whipping into a frenzy.

And from the centre of the storm three words floated to his mind causing him to bolt upright and look at Balin panic.

**_You disappoint me_ **

“FÍLI! Balin where is he?!”

“Peace Thorin, the battle was won not an hour before and it spread far. The company is out looking for him whilst they search for survivors and many of Dain’s men search for him as well but no one knows where he was last seen.”

_A clash of metal_

_A cry_

**_You will never hurt my family again_ **

“Where did you find me?! He was there; Fíli was there when I fell.”

“We were not the ones who found you. Beorn was the one who brought you to us, near death as you were.”

“Then find him and ask him!” Thorin yelled in terror as he attempted to swing his legs over the side of the cot, swaying as his head spun suddenly.

“He left to continue the battle and chase down the surviving orcs. Thorin you must rest, you are in no shape to be doing anything except sleeping.”

Just as Thorin opened his mouth to argue Oin bustled into the tent, dark circles beneath his eyes and the side of his head bandaged yet he still managed to give his king a smile.

Balin placed a hand on Thorin’s shoulder and tried to push him down only to have Thorin swat it away with a growl.

“I need my nephew Balin, do not try to stop me!” His second attempt at standing had him falling back quickly, a hand cradling his head as he waited for the nausea to pass.

Balin huffed at his stubborn king, looking at Oin pointedly before turning back to the dwarf in front of him. “Well I am relieved to see the gold sickness is gone, the last we spoke you were still in its lingering hold. Fíli will be fine Thorin, he is of Durin’s blood and he has proved time and again he can survive anything.”

Oin pushed in at that moment and thrust a cup at the dizzy king assuring him it would rid him of the rising nausea.

Draining the cup Thorin handed it back. “How long until your tea works Oin?”

“As long as it takes for the sedative to kick in.” The healer responded cheerfully as he bustled away.

“Sedative?!” Thorin roared, glaring at both dwarves before attempting to haul himself out of the bed once more.

“Yes Thorin, sedative. You need to sleep and recover or you will make your injuries worse. We will find Fíli and bring him to you. Now sleep!”

And Thorin, who despite being furious with the two dwarves as his mind was quickly numbed by the poppy milk Oin had mixed into his tea, did.

 

* * *

 

The next time he woke it was not to hushed voices or distant noises, instead it was angry words matched with placating tones. Thorin opened his eyes and took in the scene before him; Kíli was sitting up in his makeshift bed, yelling at Balin, Dwalin and Oin who all stood by him as they tried to calm the seething brunet yet it appeared their efforts were for naught.

“Kíli,” Balin said gently, “you must rest. You took a blow to the head and the more you move the worse you will make your injuries.”

Kíli hissed at his teacher, pulling away as he attempted to lay a hand on his shoulder. “You walk on thin ice Balin,” he growled “I care little for my injuries and I will not ask again. Where is he?”

“What is going on?” Thorin’s voice interrupted any reply his advisor had for his nephew and all four dwarves looked at him in surprise.

“Thorin!” Dwalin exclaimed in relief. “It is good to see you awake!”

“I will not ask again Dwalin,” Thorin said firmly as he eyed the older dwarves. “What has happened that you have my youngest riled so?”

“They refuse to tell me where Fíli is uncle!” Kíli’s angry voice cut off any reply the older dwarves were about to make. He glared at the three and Thorin couldn’t help but glare at them also.

“As your king I order you to tell me. Where is he?”

His tone was calm but his eyes were not, a fire lurking in their depths that warned them not to lie.

Balin sighed, feeling every one of his years on his shoulders as he stepped towards his king, Thorin watching him approach warily and not liking the silence that had fallen in the tent. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kíli’s brow furrow in worry only to have his attention drawn back to Balin when the dwarf stopped in front of him. It was as though everyone had stopped breathing, as though time had frozen as Balin pulled a closed fist from his pocket and opened his hand to show Thorin its contents.

There cradled in his palm were four silver beads, beads that were marked with the symbol for the line of Durin; beads that he had crafted himself,

Beads he had gifted to Fíli.

“No.”

The single word was uttered in a whisper, Thorin refusing to take the beads for fear that what they implied would become real if he did.

“What is it?!” Kíli snapped terrified, unable to see his uncle or what Balin was holding but fearing he knew exactly what it was.

“This is a trick, you lie.”

Balin closed his eyes in grief at Thorin’s tear filled whisper. “I am so sorry Thorin, Kíli.” Balin risked a glance at the brunet whose face was contorted in horror before turning back to his King, grasping his hand and depositing the beads in it gently.

“We only found him half an hour ago, Gloin and Dwalin managed to find Beorn who took them to where he had found you. Fíli was -” Balin inhaled sharply, pausing for a moment to collect himself when Dwalin took over.

“He was surrounded by Azog and Bolg. We found his swords buried in Bolg’s chest, Azog’s throat had been slit and one of Fíli’s daggers was buried in that scums eye. They -” through his blurry vision Thorin could just see the tears running down Dwalin’s face as he spoke. His shield-brother let out a shaky breath before pushing ahead, needing to get the truth out before he faltered completely.

“The scum gutted him Thorin; Azog’s claw was buried in his chest when we found him but Fíli slit his throat and stabbed him in the eye before Azog could do anything else to him. And the only way Fíli could have gotten close enough to use his dagger was if he had already been impaled before being pulled in close enough to use it.”

Anything more Dwalin wanted to say was drowned out by Kíli’s screams for his brother, his cries echoing around the camp and striking a chord in the grieving hearts of the warriors as they learned of the fate of Thorin’s missing heir.

Thorin sat there in silence, mind numb and gasping for breath as he tried to come to terms with what he had been told, his ears ringing with his nephews howls for his lost sibling.

“NO! NO YOU LIE, FÍLI WOULD NOT LEAVE ME! FÍLI! FÍLI PLEASE!”

**_You are not worthy of being my heir_ **

**_All you have ever done is fail me._ **

**_I am ashamed to call you my sister-son_ **

Words, such cruel words said from a heart and mind that was obsessed with gold. Words that he would never get the chance to take back, that would have followed Fíli into battle and accompanied him into death.

And that, Thorin knew, was to be his punishment. He had said things no King should utter to his heir, no uncle should say to his nephew and now Mahal had decided to take Fíli from him, as though he were punishing his heinous crime.

He had lost his only chance of forgiveness from his eldest and there was no way he could fix what he had so badly broken. He looked at Kíli, finding him to have his hands in his hair as tears streamed down his face, his shoulders trembling as he struggled for breath. He couldn’t fix what he had done to Fíli but there was one thing he could do, the only thing that could make any difference and so he hauled himself out of his bed ignoring the other dwarves protests for him to stay put or his injuries as they screamed at him for being jostled and stumbled to Kíli’s bed.

Energy spent despite the short walk he collapsed onto it and pulled his sobbing nephew to his chest and buried his face in the brunet locks as he cried, not caring for the presence of the other dwarves as the tears streamed down his face.

At first Kíli struggled against him, his injured fists pounding on his broken ribs painfully as the grief in his heart consumed everything inside him but despite his best efforts to pull from his uncle’s grasp Thorin held him tightly until he collapsed against the sturdy chest, shoving his face into the bandages as he wept.

Oin stepped forward, misery clear on his face with a cup in his hand and Thorin glared at the healer, knowing exactly what lay within and he refused to drink it, refused to allow them to put him to sleep again. It seemed that Kíli knew exactly what was in Oin’s hand also as the moment he was within reach he lashed out like a wounded and dangerous animal, knocking the cup from his hand and screaming at the healer to leave him be before turning back into Thorin’s chest.

Both dwarves had their eyes closed against the pain that tore through their hearts so neither of them saw Oin move away and come back with a rag clenched in his hand or the identical one in Dwalin’s. All they knew was one moment they were sharing in their grief together, and the next hands were separating them before clasping the cloths over their mouths and noses.

Roars of outrage rose from both dwarves, and no matter how hard they struggled neither could shake the iron-like grips that held them in place and little by little their bodies succumbed to the ether. As Thorin felt his grasp on consciousness slip he fell back against Dwalin’s chest, and the warriors words murmured in his ear followed him into sleep.

_“You'll be ok lad, you'll be ok.”_

 

* * *

 

Thorin didn’t know how much time had passed since he had last been awake; all he knew was that he was back in his own bed, the sun filtering in from the partially opened tent flap meant it was just beginning to rise and the faint sobs from Kíli’s cot that sounded too loud in the too small tent meant his youngest nephew was awake.

 _His only nephew,_ he corrected himself as he felt his heart seize painfully once again, _the only one you have treated fairly, treated in a way that both should have been._

He sat up slowly, groaning as the wounds on his body protested his movement but he cared little; his injuries would heal soon, but Kíli’s heart would not. He knew the pain of losing a brother all too well and he remembered how alone he had felt when Frerin had died, when people would only look to him for leadership, not out of sympathy or with a helping hand and he refused to allow history to repeat itself where Kíli was concerned.

The soft cries had fallen silent and Thorin looked over to see Kíli’s watery brown eyes trained on him. His heart ached at the look of utter devastation on the young dwarf's normally cheerful face so he heaved himself out of bed, one arm wrapped around his torso as he made his way on wobbly legs to his nephew. Kíli moved over and made room for him which Thorin sank into gratefully before wrapping the young dwarf in his arms and pressing a kiss to his hair, whispering words of apologies and understanding that he knew would never even scratch the surface of his pain.

Curled up together was how Balin found them, Kíli trembling in his uncle’s hold and Thorin holding his nephew as tight as both of their injuries would allow. The moment Balin entered the tent Kíli sat upright, fixing a watery yet piercing stare on the old dwarf as he spoke.

“I want to see him.”

Balin sighed, already shaking his head as he had anticipated the question when Kíli snapped at his teacher, his voice wavering but no less determined.

“Do not deny me Balin. He is my brother and I have every right to see him.”

“Kíli you are both in -”

“We are well aware that we are injured,” Thorin interrupted with a glare as he struggled upright, “but we are neither unconscious nor at risk of dying the moment we move. For those reasons alone we have every right to see him and no one will stop us, however your assistance to get there would be much appreciated. Will you help us or must we make our way there ourselves?”

Balin looked between the two Durin’s before sighing, knowing there was no point in arguing when both had so clearly made up their minds. He bowed his head in acknowledgement and told them to wait there, reappearing several minutes later with Dwalin, Bofur and Bilbo in tow.

“We will help you walk there, it is the least we can do.”

 

* * *

 

And help them they did. Balin and Dwalin supported Thorin between them as they made their way slowly through the camp and Bilbo and Bofur were at Kíli’s side directly behind. As they wove through the sprawling tents Kíli refused to meet the gaze of any of the dwarves who stopped and bowed as they passed; instead keeping his eyes on the back of Thorin's head as he focused on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to ignore the tendrils of pain that snaked through his body with every step and the feeling of suffocation that built the further into the camp they journeyed. 

He wasn’t sure how he knew but there was one tent that stood out to him from all the others and he knew it was there that their journey would end; where he would find his worst nightmare come to life. It could have been the two guards outside the entrance, the way passing dwarves would keep their distance or how the tent seemed to be shrouded in a veil of black despite its burgundy fabric reflecting the rising sun. Every step closer had Kíli dragging his feet, as though an invisible weight attempted to drag him down and he struggled to breathe through the panic that was building in his chest.

He couldn’t enter that tent, he wouldn’t, for entering it would mean there was no turning back, that everything he had been told would be true.

He stopped walking and doubled over, hands on his knees as he fought for air and barely registered the soothing hand that Bofur rubbed up and down his back, nor the calming words Bilbo murmured in his ear.

“I cannot go in there,” Kíli gasped out, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to get his breathing under control. “I can't do this.”

“Breathe Kíli,” Bilbo choked out in a whisper, tears welling at the sight of the youngest member of the company visibly struggling. “Just b-breathe. You need to d-do this; you n-need to say g-goodbye, or y-you will regret i-it forever.”

“I can’t,” Kíli whined, fixing eyes that betrayed the hint of tears on the weeping hobbit. “Bilbo, I need him, I need my brother. Please, Bilbo please, tell me it is not true... please tell me he lives.”

The last was said in such a desperate whisper that the tears spilled from the Hobbit’s eyes and it was that from that sight that Kíli knew that his brother was never coming back.

He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, trying to smother the storm of emotions that raged inside him long enough to get into the privacy of the tent before he lost his battle with his broken heart. When he felt he was calm enough to make the final few steps he pushed himself upright, ignoring everyone around him and fixing his gaze on Thorin who stood there watching him sadly. He gave Thorin a nod, a tiny jerk of his head that accompanied by his bottom lip quivering had his companions holding back their own tears at the sight of the brunet so broken.

Realising how close Kíli was to breaking down Thorin looked at Balin and the dwarf guided the small party to the tent that both Durin’s had feared approaching the moment they saw it. They stopped opposite the opening and Balin looked at his king sorrowfully, moving away from the entryway for he could not handle seeing what lay inside once again. The white haired dwarf stood there looking between Thorin and Kíli, visibly struggling for words say; something to offer even the barest form of comfort for what they were about to see before choking out the only ones that came to mind.

“Take… take as much time as you need.”

He bowed and hurried away, unable to stay there a moment longer and after touching both dwarves on the shoulder gently Dwalin, Bofur and Bilbo followed after him to give them some much needed privacy.

“Leave us,” Thorin croaked out to the two guards, not wanting them to bear witness to their grief before turning to face the entrance to the tent, taking several shaky breaths before pushing it open and hobbling inside.

 

* * *

 

The moment the tent flap settled back into place behind the two dwarves silence descended, as though all the noise had disappeared from the world and the eerie silence that greeted them made Thorin's skin crawl.

As their eyes adjusted to the dim lighting they discovered that the tent itself was barren, save for four lanterns placed at each corner of the table that sat in the middle of the room, the candles creating a halo of soft light that spilled onto the white sheet that covered the form beneath it.

Kíli sucked in a breath through his teeth, the sound rasping loudly in the darkness. He felt rooted to the spot, his gaze fixed on the table and the cloth that outlined the one dwarf who meant everything to him, the one who he had never known a world without.

The one who would never smile or laugh with him again.

A gentle pressure on his elbow had him stumbling forwards, his breath hitching in his throat the closer he got and the tears in his eyes held stubbornly back until he stood at the side of the table, his hands trembling so much he clenched them into fists, pressing them tightly against his thighs in an effort to lessen the shaking. His eyes darted around the tent, trying to find something, anything to focus on other than what was directly in front of him for it was a reality he was not yet ready to face.

His eyes landed on Thorin and he watched as the older dwarf rounded the table, each step dragging as though he was weighed down by the entire mountain. There they stood; silent, staring each other in the eye with grief lining their faces and denial heavy in their hearts.

He didn’t know how long they stood there in the silence, the flames of the candle sending dancing shadows across Thorin’s face and the covered dwarf in front of him. Or perhaps it was the tears in his eyes that made the shadows move? The tears that were slowly building up again because he knew exactly who lay in front of him, exactly whose face he was about to see and he wasn’t ready; whether it was five seconds or five years before the sheet was removed he would never be ready.

Slowly, oh so slowly as though wading through a snowdrift meters high to reach home did Thorin’s hands move upwards; his fingers twitching slightly as they curled around the top of the sheet and there they stayed, suspended, as though they refused to draw it down. 

He looked at his uncle, the one who had kissed his hurts and told him stories as he grew up, and who had fallen to gold lust and madness not four days past. He watched as a single tear rolled down a flushed cheek, disappearing into the raven beard he associated with comfort when he was a dwarfling when movement out of the corner of his eye had him looking away from Thorin’s face and towards his hands.

The sheet was slowly peeled away from the table and dragged downwards

And all coherent thought left him.

 

* * *

 

Kíli’s inhale had echoed far too loud in the small tent and the noise had made him flinch, a movement that Kíli had not noticed, focused on the sight in front of him as he was.

He swallowed, only raising his eyes enough to gather a glimpse of the sheet covering the dwarf in the middle of the tent before they darted away, guilt and hate for what he'd done flooding through him and he knew that if Kíli decided to blame him for his brother’s death he would not stop him from carrying out his revenge for it was no more than he deserved.

He had to see this through however; he had to see with his own eyes what his madness had done to his sister son, what his hatred for Azog had cost him. He placed a hand on Kíli’s elbow and squeezed it gently which set his nephew into motion. Kíli stumbled forwards, and he watched as he reached the table, his frame trembling and he realised he had never seen his nephew look so small and scared and alone in his whole life.

He’d always had a blond presence at his side.

Forcing his legs to work he made his way over to the table before looking up and finding Kíli’s red eyes on him, the tears that had yet to escape glistening in the candlelight. They stared at each other, young and old, and when the silence was beginning to become too much he raised his hand and reached to the top of the sheet.

He froze, his arm suspended in mid-air as he realised how familiar this was to the last time he had reached for his nephew; when they had been standing on the edge of the mountain and Fíli had turned away from him after hearing Thorin call out for the youngest instead of him. His fingers twitched in a mimicry on the mountain of wanting to reach for his blond sister-son, but unlike that day where he allowed his hand to fall away he pushed forward, determined not to fail Fíli like he had previously.

Fíli deserved more than a sheet for comfort before his funeral; he deserved his family.

He curled his fingers in the sheet and after a deep breath dragged the blanket downwards.

 

* * *

 

A sob tore from his lips as Fíli's face was revealed, his cry accompanied by a high pitched wail as Kíli threw himself onto his brothers chest, his fingers digging into the white sheet as he buried his face in his arms and wept. All he could do was stand there and stare at his nephew’s peaceful face, tears streaming from his eyes and dripping onto the dirtied ashen cheeks. He cupped them with shaking hands, his thumbs slowly wiping away the tears that had left trails which, mixing with the dried blood created translucent red droplets that trickled onto the table below.

His legs gave way beneath him and he found himself in a similar position to Kíli; his cheek resting against Fíli’s chin as he wept uncontrollably, one arm wrapping around the blonde’s head gently whilst the other rested on Kíli’s back, his hands grasping the leather jacket in some semblance of comfort as Kíli’s howls for his brother rung out across the camp.

“Forgive me,” he whispered into the crook of Fíli’s neck, needing to beg forgiveness of Fíli’s spirit before it left for the halls of their ancestors when he was buried. “Forgive me for the hurt and pain I caused you, for making you feel worthless when you are anything but. You are like my son and deserved better than me, than how I have treated you. If it were in my power I would do whatever it took to take it back, to have you return so I can tell you how much I love you.”

Kíli had been trembling in his uncle’s hold, his wails for his brother dying out as exhaustion quickly took hold of his body. The fading of his cries had given way to his uncle’s pleas for forgiveness, ones whispered so quietly to his brothers lifeless body that he was certain he was never meant to hear them, but he had.

He was too tired to think about what his Uncle was really saying, how Thorin blamed himself for his brother’s death and whether he was right or wrong Kíli didn’t know. All he could focus on was the desire to crawl up next to his brother and wrap his arms around him in order to try and part some semblance of warmth to him, some comfort in a hopeless attempt to bring him back, and should that not work then he was willing to remain there, curled around him until the world was renewed and they could be together once again.

“Please,” Kíli begged quietly into the sheet covered chest, “come back to me Fee, come back.”

And for the first time in Kíli's short life, Fíli didn't answer.

 

* * *

 

Bilbo let out a sigh when he finally laid eyes on Thorin several hours after he had left him and Kíli to see their fallen kin. The king under the mountain was sitting up in his cot, his hands cupped together as he looked down at them sadly. He glanced over at the cot beside the conscious dwarf, not sure if disturbing Thorin was ideal when Kíli slept beside him.

“Bilbo,” Thorin’s quiet call of his name had the hobbit looking at him sheepishly, oddly embarrassed for being caught. He grabbed a stool and carried it to his bedside, offering his friend a sad smile.

“I was unsure if my presence would be welcome,” he said quietly as he gazed into Thorin’s red eyes. “After what happened with the Arkenstone… I had no idea if you would still welcome my being here.”

Thorin responded with a weak smile of his own, his fingers closing over the objects in his hands before resting his fists in his lap. “I never got the chance to ask for your forgiveness Bilbo, if anyone should be apologising for their deeds it is me. I would take back my words and deeds at the gate; you did what only a true friend would do. Forgive me; I was too blind to see it. I am so sorry.”

Bilbo took Thorin’s hand and squeezed it gently in forgiveness, the pair sitting quietly as the Hobbit contemplated how to approach the reason for his visit. His attention was caught as Kíli shifted slightly in his sleep, and he couldn’t stop the ache in his chest as he noticed the puffiness of the brunet’s eyes nor the dark shadows beneath them.

“How is he?” It felt like such a ridiculous question given what they had lost, yet gazing at the young dwarf who had spent so much time with his brother in ensuring he felt welcome within their company he felt it was his duty to ask all the same.

“About the same as I was when I lost my own brother; suffering from a hole in his heart that will never truly be filled and not knowing how to carry on.” Thorin answered quietly, his own sad gaze lingering on his nephew.

He nodded, understanding their pain all too well. Many years had passed since he lost his parents but the ache of losing them both had never truly healed, never truly left. He looked up when Thorin cleared his throat and found him watching him curiously.

“What brings you to my bedside master hobbit?”

Bilbo fidgeted slightly on his chair, his gaze shooting to the sleeping dwarf quickly before switching back to the king. “There is something I wish to tell you, only I do not know whether now is the time considering Kíli sleeps beside you. He needs the rest and I would hate to wake him.”

“Oin has given him a sleeping draught, one he acquired from the elves that will allow him to sleep a dreamless sleep to help him heal. It will be some time before he wakes.”

Bilbo nodded as his hand wandered to his inside pocket, his fingers grasping at the purpose for his visit as he looked Thorin in the eye. “I ah… that is to say Balin and I were informed that one of the healers would be closing Fíli’s wounds before he was prepared for burial and we stopped by the tent, per Balin’s insistence. He told me that when a member of royalty dies it was tradition for a member of the dwarf’s family to be present when they prepare the body for burial and as he was the only one up for it at the time… Well they had removed his clothing for it to be properly repaired and I went through it to remove his weapons and…” despite the heaviness of the situation Bilbo chuckled, shaking his head at the memory of the number of knives he had removed from the layers of clothing. “Well I must admit I was surprised there was no kitchen sink hidden in his clothing anywhere -”

“It was likely removed by Thranduil’s guards.” Thorin interrupted quietly causing them to both laugh softly at the thought.

Anyway,” Bilbo said sobering quickly, “I had almost finished my search when I came across… this.”

He removed his hand from his pocket, withdrawing a piece of parchment and Thorin felt his breath catch in his throat as it was handed to him.

“It is addressed to you.”

The soft words had Thorin looking at the hobbit with tears forming in his eyes, understanding the significance of such a letter for it meant that Fíli had written it either before the quest or before the battle believing he would die, and that was a thought he hated more than anything. Of all the members in the company Fíli and Kíli were meant to be the ones who believed themselves to be invincible, that they would complete the quest with no more than a handful of bruises and extravagant stories to tell. Yet here was a letter written by his nephew who believed he wouldn't survive.

His Fíli; ever the practical one.

Using his empty hand he grasped the letter with shaking fingers, the other still curled in his lap with Fíli’s beads clutched tightly in his hold. He unfolded the parchment, taking a deep breath as he did so and began to read.

Every word felt like he had taken a knife to the heart, the beads tumbling into his lap as he clapped his hand over his mouth, tears streaming down his cheeks as he read. How could he have failed his nephew so much that Fíli believed he was unloved? That Thorin had only ever had love for the brunet asleep next to him and not the blond in equal amounts?

He had failed Fíli in the worst possible way; letting him grow up believing that he was anything but loved.  

He buried his face in his hands, the parchment slipping from his fingers to settle in his lap as he cried and his shoulders shook uncontrollably. How could he have been so blind as to fail in his role as an uncle? A role which should have always taken priority to that of his role as king where both his nephews were concerned.

“Thorin...” Bilbo's hesitant voice brought him back to the present and he peered at the Hobbit through tear filled eyes, the sad look on his face making a sob slip from his lips.

“I am so sorry Thorin,” Bilbo whispered placing a hand on his shoulder, rubbing at it slightly hoping to bring him some form of comfort. “I know he loved you and Kíli, it was plain for all to see.”

“And yet I failed to show him that his love was returned. He believed I wanted nothing more from him than loyalty and duty, when all I have ever wanted was for him to be himself and someone everyone would love when he became king.”

He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, wiping away the tears before taking a shuddery breath.

“Thank you Bilbo, for bringing this to me.”

Bilbo bobbed his head in acknowledgement, his eyes taking in the lost and tired expression of his friend. “What will you do now?” He asked quietly.

“Now...” Thorin let out a sigh before tucking the letter and Fíli's beads into the pocket on his light tunic.

“Now it is time to say goodbye.”

 

* * *

 

Thorin pushed open the tent flap to find a healer standing at Fíli's side, a cloth in his hand frozen in mid-air as the healer looked at the king in surprise.

“My Lord,” the young dwarf stuttered “I did not expect to see you here.”

“I have come to prepare my nephews body for burial.” Thorin murmured quietly, his eyes never leaving the still form on the table.

“Preparing bodies for burial is not a King’s job sire.” The healer said hesitantly.

“No but it is the job of an uncle,” Thorin replied harshly before sighing. “My apologies, you did not deserve to be snapped at.”

The healer ducked his head before resting the cloth on the edge of the bowl, bowing to Thorin before leaving Fíli's side. “And it was not my place to question you. You are correct, it is your right to tend to your sister-son, forgive me.”

Thorin moved towards the table as the tent flap closed behind the healer and he stared down at his nephew, taking in the fully exposed body save for the sheet that had been folded over his hips to maintain his dignity as he was washed. He raised his hand, his thumb stroking the bloodied cheek before he picked up the cloth, dipping it into the warm lavender-scented water and began to clean away the blood and dirt from Fíli's body.

As he washed he talked to his nephew; recalling memories he had of Fíli when he was first born, how he had held the tiny bundle with golden fluff on his head for the first time and how Fíli had stared up at him, seemingly just as fascinated with the dwarf who was holding him as he was with the baby in his arms. He remembered how he had arrived back at his sister’s home after a month away and when he moved to greet his nephew Fíli had thrown his arms up for a hug yelling “Thorn! Thorn!” excitedly in the first attempt at saying his name and bringing tears to the weary king's eyes.

The memory of the first time he had been handed Fíli to look after for a night was one he’d never forget for it was when one of the worst thunderstorms he had experienced in fifty years hit Ered Luin and Fíli, all of two years old and still learning to walk had come stumbling outside on shaky legs crying in fear for his Uncle when Thorin and Dwalin had been out there attempting to get the ponies into their stables. He had screamed with fright when lightning had struck the mountains behind them and the thunder had roared in answer. And it was there, huddled on the ground with his hands clapped over his ears and tears that were lost in the torrential rain on his face that Thorin had found him, scooping the tiny blond into his arms and racing inside with him, cradling the trembling child in his arms and whispering words of love and comfort as he rubbed his hand up and down his back. Thorin had taken him to the bathing chamber and they had both clambered into the hot water, splashing each other playfully as they warmed up before curling up in front of the fire where Dis had found them fast asleep the next morning.

Playing outdoors in the piles of leaves with Fíli and Kíli in autumn, teaching them how to make the perfect snowballs before helping them throw them at Dwalin as he left his home, telling them stories of Erebor and what awaited them when they reclaimed it, teaching Fíli how to fight with his sword, first one then two and how proud he was the first time he had defeated Dwalin, every memory that sprang to mind Thorin told Fíli, wanting his sister-son to know just how much he did love him, and how much joy he and his brother had brought to his life.

As the cloth wiped away the blood around the wounds on his chest Thorin saw for the first time just how badly Fíli had been injured, how his chest and stomach had been pierced by Azog's claw and bile rose in his throat as he thought of how much pain the blond would have been in as he continued to fight despite being impaled on the iron claws.

More recent memories, ones that he wasn't proud of allowing to happen fell from his lips next; how he watched Fíli pull away as he grew up, how he watched him struggle with all the pressure and expectations that a child of twenty should never have even known about let alone dealt with, how despite Fíli making him so proud he constantly gave him more pressures and expectations that should have been impossible to complete yet he surpassed them anyway.

Tears began to drip onto cleaned skin as he thought about the light that had meant mischief and a love for life had died in Fíli's eyes over time, how he had been near tears when he tripped on Kíli’s boots all those years ago after they had returned from their travels and how he had yelled at his nephew, never stopping to check that he was ok only presuming he knew what had occurred.

“Oh my sweet Fíli,” he sobbed quietly as he lay his forehead on the still chest. “It was all my fault; every single thing you have suffered for in your life has been because of me. I made you grow up early, I put pressure on your shoulders that you should never have had to deal with, I am the one who forced you to pull away and for that I am sorry my nephew.”

His fingers came up and tangled in the blond hair, the once shining gold already leeched of its brightness which made him cry all the harder.

“I know you believed Kíli to hold more importance to me than you did but it could be no further from the truth. Whilst Kíli may have been my joy you have always been my light and my heart. It is you I have always turned to when I needed the strength to go on.

I wish we had never gone on this quest, it was not worth the price I have paid for it.”

He pulled away before placing his lips to Fíli's forehead, his hands cradling the peaceful face between them as he whispered into the pale hair.

“Forgive me Fíli, I have failed you and it is something I can never take back, but I will do everything in my power to look after your brother, I will protect him until my last breath.”

He withdrew and wiped the tears from his eyes before he smoothed the blond hair down, finishing the washing before redressing his nephew in the now repaired clothing. He picked up Fíli's twin swords from the pile of weapons that had been laid out on the floor and placed them in his hands, crossing his arms over his chest as he did so before tucking knives into every sheath he could find, and despite the grief in his heart he couldn’t help but roll his eyes when he found himself with six daggers remaining and no clue where they were supposed to go.

Finally he picked up the brush, brushing gently through the recently washed strands before redoing his braids, something he had not had the privilege of doing in many years. When he had finished he pulled back and observed his work, picking up a circlet of gold from the table and crowning Fíli for the first and only time in the dwarf's too short life.

Knowing there was nothing else he could do he pressed one last kiss to Fíli’s forehead, letting it linger for a moment before pulling away.

“Goodbye my son.”

 

* * *

 

Whilst Thorin and Kíli had been grieving for their loss Balin and the other members of the company had been busy. Along with a group of dwarves assigned to them by Dain they had made their way into the mountain, the Tombs of the Forebears their end goal. Day and night they had worked, first setting out to find a marble tomb that had been untouched before preparing a pillar to place it on for their fallen prince, determined that all those who resided in Erebor henceforth knew of his sacrifice for his king, for his brother and for his people.

Two days after Thorin had prepared his nephew for burial the funeral was held. It was sunrise when they gathered, the sun beginning to peak over the horizon and bathe all those gathered in its warm light and easing the heaviness in many hearts. Most of the company stood on either side of the tents entrance, surrounded by the dwarves of the Iron Hills as well as the men of Dale led by Bard the Dragonslayer and his family and Thranduil and his people, his son and captain of the guard flanking him.

Thorin and Kíli stood facing one another closest to the entrance and watched as Balin, leading Dwalin, Gloin, Bofur and Bifur exited its confines, a stretcher bearing the fallen prince in their grasp. As soon as Bofur and Bifur had passed them Thorin and Kíli fell into step behind them, a lantern held tightly in their hands and one by one Dwarves, Men and Elf alike fell into line, following behind Balin who led them into the heart of Erebor.

 

* * *

 

The funeral had passed by in a blur for Kíli, the details becoming one big jumbled mess of pictures and noise, all of it wrapping around the anguish in his heart. There were only two parts that stood out to him with crystal clarity, two parts that he knew he would remember as long as he lived. He remembered standing before the marble coffin that had been set up and watching as his brother, his beloved golden brother was slowly lowered into its cold depths, taken and hidden from him forever until he himself left the world to re-join him in the halls of their forefathers.

The second was approaching the coffin with a dagger that he had carved many seasons ago clutched in his hand. He was grateful for the return of his weapons, especially his bow as it was the only one Fíli had ever made and he had gifted it to him on his name day. The moment the battle had been won Tauriel and a group of elves had been sent with haste back to their Kingdom to fetch healing supplies and whilst there she had retrieved the company’s weapons, returning them as a sign of friendship.

The dagger that had been returned to him was the only one he could bear to part with; every other thing he possessed had been made or given to him by Fíli and he couldn’t stand the thought of separating with anything that held even the slightest memory of his brother.

He stared down at his brother; shrouded by the shadows the marble cast across his waxen skin before leaning in and placing the dagger on his chest, tucking it beneath the layers of fabric to place it directly over his heart.

“Farewell my brother,” he whispered, his hand straying to Fíli’s face as he rested his palm against his cheek. “May your memory and your spirit protect us until the world is renewed, and may your love and laughter never die.”

Blinking back tears he turned away, pausing as he did so to utter one final farewell.

“I love you Fee, don’t ever forget me.”

 

* * *

 

Standing there at the gates of Erebor with the sun beginning to set Kíli watched with a heavy heart as Bilbo said his goodbyes to the other members of the company. He knew he shouldn’t have been surprised really, Bilbo would have wanted to return home eventually and the funeral had been hard for the once placid hobbit.

He had hoped that their burglar would have decided to stick around a little longer for he had lost his light and reason to laugh already, he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to another so dear to his heart. He watched as Bilbo hugged Ori, the scribe sniffling with a smile on his face before Bilbo was nearly sent flying with a strong clap on the back by Dwalin before he turned to Thorin who stood beside him.

“Here we are then,” Bilbo said quietly as he peered up at the King with a small smile on his face, “at the end of our adventure. And what an adventure it has been.”

“Indeed it has master burglar,” Thorin replied with a small smile playing on his lips “and it is an adventure that we would not have reached the end of had it not been for you, and I thank you for all you have done. Gandalf was right,” he mused quietly “Hobbits truly are remarkable creatures.”

Bilbo blushed, looking down at his feet before raising his eyes once more as he held out his hand.

“Farewell Thorin, King under the mountain… My friend.”

Thorin clasped the hand before drawing Bilbo in for a hug, chuckling as Bilbo returned it gladly.

“Farewell Master Baggins, go back to your books, and your arm chair… plant your trees, watch them grow. If more people valued home above gold, this world would be a merrier place.”

Bilbo pulled away, wiping tears from his eyes with a watery smile before turning to the youngest member of the company, his heart aching slightly for the missing blond that he had grown so used to seeing at Kíli’s side.

“Farewell, dear Kíli,” Bilbo said gently as he placed a hand on the brunets shoulder. “Dark may it look for many days to come, but the sun will rise in your world once more.”

Kíli blinked away the tears, giving the hobbit a small smile as he did so. “I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye, to hear his voice one last time. He was my world Bilbo; I have no idea how to go on without him.”

Kíli’s broken admission had him placing his hand into his jacket pocket and withdrawing a piece of parchment, handing it to the confused looking brunet.

“There were two pieces of parchment I found on your brother. Whilst one was addressed the other was not so I read it and discovered it was meant for you. Forgive me for reading it Kíli, I thought it was best to find out when the appropriate time to give it to you would be, and even before the funeral I knew it would be now.”

Kíli took the parchment from the hobbit before wrapping his arms around him, hugging him tightly. “Thank you Bilbo, for everything. I have grown very fond of you, just as I know Fíli had as well. Please never forget us.”

“I could never forget you my dear Kíli,” Bilbo murmured into the brunet locks. “I would have to have grown old and senile before I look at my chinaware and forget who it was who began throwing them about my home.”

With a watery laugh Kíli released the hobbit before moving off to the side and sitting on a rock, unaware of all the eyes that were on him. He unfolded the parchment and the moment his brothers scrawl which could appear neat yet messy at the same time appeared he felt his eyes begin to water.

_My dearest Kíli;_

_If you are reading this then this means that I failed you and someone has given it to you in my stead, and oh how I hope it never comes into your possession, that many years down the track we can look over this together and laugh at the silliness of it all._

_But know that if I died I would have done everything in my power to protect you and Thorin, and despite recent events you, mother and Thorin are the most important people in my life; I am proud to have died protecting you._

_I know it seems hard Kee, and I know that you will be lost and confused for I would feel the same if our roles were reversed, but please do not try and join me, I cannot bear the thought of you throwing your life away so recklessly to be beside me once more. After all our adventures, all our pranks, all our hardships on this journey one of us must live to tell our tales and make sure mother and Thorin never forget to laugh or smile._

_And if you ever find yourself blaming Thorin or the quest for taking me from your side remember that an adventure was just waiting to happen, and I am glad to have had you by my side for our first one._

_Yet as I think about what has led us here part of me knows that by rights we should not have even be here, but we are._

_It’s like in the great stories Kíli, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end; because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?_

_But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass, a new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with me, that meant something, even if I was too small to understand why. But I think Kíli I do understand, I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding onto something. They were holding onto the fact that there’s some good in this world Kee, and it’s worth fighting for._

_Stand tall, stand strong and stand proud my brother. I know the pain seems endless now, and maybe part of it will remain with you for the rest of your life, but go on living your life for the both of us._

_We have had a life time of adventures together, enough to fill one of Ori’s books, and in your book… well there’s room for a little more._

_I love you with all my heart,_

_Your Fíli_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when watching the Two Towers and listening to Sam's speech whilst looking for ideas for this story, I got it into my head that maybe it wasn't Sam; timid, straight-nosed and staying out of trouble Sam who came up with this, rather it was Bilbo who had told it to a baby Sam when he was upset or not sure about something.
> 
> But it wasn't Bilbo who thought it up for Bilbo had never been raised on the tales and promises of adventure, more like it was Fili's letter to Kili when he read it that (even though neither of them survive in the book I know I know) Bilbo got the words of wisdom from and never forgot.
> 
> It felt like some older sibling wisdom anyway :)

**Author's Note:**

> Ghivashith – treasure that is young  
> Nûlukhel – moon of all moons


End file.
